The View From A Slightly Twisted Angle

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Unplanned Gift

on May 10, 2012

This morning our ten year old asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day.  “Don’t say a hug Mom.  I mean a real gift.”  I looked at him and responded, “You are gift enough for me Buddy.”  That answer earned me an eye roll. He really has no idea how true my statement is.

 In December of 2000 I was headed into the fourth month of my fourth pregnancy.  Two days after Christmas I woke up and something was wrong.  After a trip to the doctor’s office and eventually the hospital, I miscarried our little boy. If you’ve never lost a child it is hard to understand the depth of the devastation it causes.  I can remember looking at my husband that night and asking, “How am I ever supposed to be ok again?”  In the follow-up visit to my doctor she informed me that our baby had a chromosomal malformation.  He couldn’t have survived.  There was some comfort in knowing that our little boy would never have to suffer and that God had taken him home in His perfect timing. 

 In January of 2001, we were just getting back to normal when an event occurred that threw our family’s entire life into chaos.  I won’t get into all of the details right here, some day I may write about it, but I can tell you that we entered the blackest period I ever could have imagined. We were rattled to our cores.  We were forced to reevaluate, readjust, recommit and start all over again down a very bumpy and scary road.  We would have never made it without the help of our families and our church.  By that spring both my husband and I had started new jobs and we were cautiously taking one day at a time.  It was tough, we had mounting bills and little money, but we had each other and we were slowly moving forward.  As I said, it was the blackest period of our lives.

 In late August of 2001 I started feeling really tired all the time. I figured it was stress and trudged on.  By September my womanly instinct kicked in and I knew stress wasn’t causing my fatigue or my daily nausea. “Are you kidding me?” I thought. We hadn’t been trying to get pregnant. (in fact we were doing what we knew to NOT get pregnant.) This was the worst time in the WORLD to get pregnant.    I had already resigned to myself that we were only going to have the three children we had with us and the one baby we lost.  We were done.  (Guess not!)  With fear and trembling I informed my husband of our “situation.”  He was overjoyed.  I thought he was nuts.  Because of our miscarriage the year before, we kept our news mostly to ourselves until well into my fourth month.  I have to admit that part of the reason we didn’t tell many people at first was because I was afraid of people’s reactions.  I was right. I cannot begin to count how many people said, “Are you crazy?” “Now? How are you going to afford that?” “What were you thinking??”  (Looking back, I could have had a lot of fun answering, “What were you thinking?”  You mean at the moment I got pregnant?  You want to know what I was thinking at that moment??)   Through it all my husband was wildly excited about this baby.  I took a while longer.  I questioned God’s timing and His wisdom.  I asked Him daily how in the world this could be a good time for this.  This was NOT my plan.

 In April of 2002, one day after his father’s birthday, our youngest son arrived.  We named him Jakob, after one of my great grandfathers and one of my favorite people in the Bible.  People have asked why in the world I would name my child a name that in hebrew originally meant “supplanter” (or “liar”). Jacob in the Bible started out rough, made HUGE mistakes, questioned and wrestled with God and God still used him as the father of the heads of the tribes of His chosen people.  God had HUGE plans for him.  I felt much like Jacob.  We had made huge mistakes.  We had done things wrong.  I had certainly wrestled with God to get my answers.  Here’s what I learned in the process: you may end up with a limp, but people who have wrestled with God may have a better understanding of Him because they hung on to HIM to get their answers. 

From the moment of his birth, our Jakob has brought joy to our family.  He’s a delight.  He’s a clown.  He’s like the family mascot.  He’s the king of one-liners: “Mom it says that building was built in 1938. Was that before you were born?” “Yes.” Pause…”Wow! I’m surprised it’s still standing.”  He’s the master of back-handed compliments: “Lyndsie don’t worry. One day all your freckles will grow together and you will be beautiful.” He’s my honest kid: “Stop! You adding your comments is NOT helping here.”  “I wasn’t really trying to help.”  He’s my planner: “Don’t worry Mom. I might grow up, but I’ll never leave.” “You are supposed to leave when you grow up. That’s how it works.” Pause… “I can still come visit though, right??”

 He’s the little brother our older son needed: the one who thinks he’s the coolest thing ever. He’s the little kid my daughters needed to practice their maternal instincts on.    He’s the second son, another buddy, that my husband needed. He’s the cuddler that I needed.  He makes us all laugh every day.  He completes our family.  He makes us whole.  He’s our “bonus baby”, “little caboose” or as my husband says, “Our redemption child.” He’s a daily reminder that God still has big plans for our family.

He’s a gift from a Father who understands that even though you wrestled with Him you now understand that His plan is WAY better than yours.


7 responses to “Unplanned Gift

  1. Sherry says:

    Awesome Paula!

  2. Amazing – Love you

  3. wedelmom says:

    Reblogged this on The View From A Slightly Twisted Angle and commented:

    I meant to reblog this last Thursday in honor of our son’s 11th Birthday. Obviously that didn’t happen. Regardless of the day, the words of the post are still true today. Happy 11th (and 4 days) Birthday to our Unplanned Gift!

  4. Oh wow!! This post took my breath away!! Absolutely amazing! He is indeed exactly what you needed! I am so happy you were blessed with him!

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