The View From A Slightly Twisted Angle

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Wishing My Time Away

on July 17, 2012

Yesterday our daughter cheerfully announced that her senior year has officially begun. What? It’s the middle July. School doesn’t start for another month.  As I pondered that out loud she informed me that yesterday was the first day she’d been refered to as a senior.  Summer band started and she was introduced as one of the senior drum majors. Ah.  Ok.  I guess she’s a senior. Then it hit me.  Where did the first half of this summer go? When did my little red-headed, piggy-tailed sassy little girl become a senior?  How did we get here and I didn’t notice? Have I been wishing my time away?

When our oldest kids were little my very wise mother would remind me to enjoy that stage because it wouldn’t last forever and some day I would miss it.  As I wallowed in diapers and Barney videos and getting up in the middle of the night with sick children, I’d forget her wise advice on occasion.  I’d think to myself  that my life would get easier when they got older.  They wouldn’t be so dependant. I’d have more sleep.  I enjoyed them but I always had an eye on the future and how much better things would be.  Surely, I thought, things would get better when they got a little older. I wouldn’t be so exhausted all the time. I’d have more time for me. I’d be able to think straight.  While I don’t miss Barney or diapers there are days when I see a mother and her young children and wonder if I ever realized how wonderful that time in our lives really was.  How sweet small children are.  How every thing is and adventure and brand new. Did I relish every moment knowing that all too soon it would be over? I’d like to think I did, but I also know that I wished some of that time away.

As our kids got a little older we discovered a new kind of “busy.”  Gone were the days of watching the same video over and over. No more diapers. They no longer needed me to sit down and color with them. Or play play-dough. Or read to them all the time. They were in school and capable of doing those things for themselves, thank you very much.  Our “bonus-baby” boy still needed those things but he had three older siblings who doted on him. They helped fill in the gaps of their often frazzled mother.    I worked while they were at school. I came home and juggled a toddler/preschooler, three kids’ activities and housework. I drove them to school and church and all the extra activities those two things involve. Surely, I thought, things would get easier when they got a little older.  Surely some day there wouldn’t be so much to do. Soon the oldest one will drive and I won’t have to run around so much.  I loved going to all of their activities. I loved watching them learn new things.  I was tired. They were busy. I wished some of that time away.

Our oldest got his licence and a pick-up truck. He started driving himself around. He even took his younger siblings to their activities on occasion. Mom’s taxi was still in full service but big-bro’s much cooler ride helped out quite a lot.  He got a part-time job.  We started seeing less of him. It became harder to find family tim.  Surely, I thought, things will slow down.  They didn’t.  Time kept marching on. The closer we got to our oldest’s graduation and departure for college the more effort I made to enjoying every moment.  That was the first time I realized I had wished some time away. I began wishing it back.

That was almost three years ago.  You’d think that I would have learned from that  to stop wishing my time away.  To quit looking so far into the future that I forget to enjoy the present. You’d think that the aching absence of our son from our every day lives would remind me to relish the time I have with his younger siblings now before it’s too late.  It usually does.  At least I thought that it did. Until yesterday when I realized that we are standing on the dawn of our daughter’s final year at home. I know too well how fast this year is going to pass yet I have been wishing time away again.  We are moving to a new town after her senior year is complete and her diploma has been received. While I’m comfortable with that decision there are days when I can’t wait to move.  Can’t wait to start this new chapter in our lives.  Can’t wait to leave here and start over. Can’t wait….wait…..yes I can.  For the first time in a while yesterday it occurred to me that in wishing it was time for our new start I have been wishing away our daughter’s senior year.  Wishing my time with her away.  If I don’t shift my focus someday I will be wishing this time back.

It doesn’t come back.

 

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2 responses to “Wishing My Time Away

  1. I love you blog, so I have nominated you for the Sunshine Award!! The link is http://theembiggensproject.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/the-sunshine-award-yay/

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