The View From A Slightly Twisted Angle

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This Week’s Headlines #5

on August 31, 2012

I must say it has been very difficult to pick through all the political headlines this week.  I’m not going to touch any of those. Why?  First of all they are way too easy to make fun of but beyond that I am not interested in posting political opinions.  I have them of course but I’m not interested in discussing/debating/arguing them.  There are billions of blogs out there for sort of thing and I’m not interested in making mine one of them.  Instead I will keep picking through the rhetoric of both sides, the latest poll results and opinion articles in search of more headlines that make me laugh.  While counting down the days until November of course….

1 – “How To Tell Whether A Designer Handbag Is Fake” – if it’s fake then it really isn’t a designer handbag is it? Do you mean “how to tell whether that handbag is designer or fake?”  At any rate I don’t really care unless I’m paying for it and…well…I don’t do “Coach”.

2 – “Biggest Eating Mistakes That Women Make” – I’m guessing chocolate is in this article somewhere.  I’m hoping “tasting while cooking” is in there so I have an excuse to quit cooking.

3 – “What Apple Won’t Say” – Buy a PC??

4 – “5 Beauty Apps You Have To Try” – Now my phone can style my hair and put on my make-up?  There really is an app for everything!!

5 – “Teens Who Smoke Pot Can Damage Memory and Intelligence” – This is news?  I have a friend or two who could have told you that 20 years ago.

6 – “‘Go Topless Day’ Seeks Equal Rights” – All things were NOT created equal – sorry.

7 – “Commuter Finds 6′ Snake Attached To Bumper” – Well I bet no one was riding his tailpipe that morning. Shudder….

8 – “Ugliest Mansions In America” – Now there’s a list you want to make.  Even if they are “ugly” they are still worth more than anything I’ll ever own.  Who am I to judge?

9 – “Bumbling NFL Refs Completely Butcher Call” – Again: This is news?  Don’t they get paid to do that?

10 – Missing Woman Joins In Search….For Herself” – Okay I’ve heard of needing to “find yourself” but really?  How does that even happen.  Shouldn’t you know who you are looking for when you join a search team?

11 – “Boy Set To CAsh In On Rare Whale Vomit” – How in the name of everything sane does someone find whale vomit?  Furthermore what determines that it IS whale vomit? Wait….I might not want to know the answer to that. Might be a good thing to keep in mind if you are ever at Sea World on the day Shamu has the stomach flu however.

12 – “What You Are Doing Wrong At Casinos” – Losing??

13 – “Wild Uses For Everyday Beauty Products” – Please. I haven’t mastered the “tame uses” yet.

14 – ” ‘Jersey Shore Hit With Cancellation” – Who says there is never anything good in the news these days?  Uh…I mean…Awww! Poor people are going to have to get real jobs now?  How very sad for them.

15 – “The Parts Of Your Body That Don’t Age Well” – Ummmm…all of them?

16 – “Make Easy Homemade Marshmallows From Scratch” – How do I know this article is by Martha Stewart? Who in their right mind makes homemade marshmallows? The words “easy” and “homemade” in most internet sentences are a lie.  You know that right?  Why don’t they be honest and title it “A Great Way to Turn Your Kitchen Into A Big Old Sticky Mess”?

17 – “Five Home Decorating Rules It Is OK To Break” – Then they really aren’t “rules” are they?  They are more like home decorating suggestions.

18 – “Pig Parasite May Help Treat Autoimmune Disorders” – Who thinks to try things like that?  Do you suddenly one day think ‘Perhaps this disgusting blood sucking thing could have some good qualities. I mean, after all, look how cute he is.  Hey – I know! Let’s get Mikey! We’ll feed it to him and see what happens!”  (20 bonus points to the person who caught the 70’s commercial reference.)

19 – “400 Pound Gorilla Statue Returned To PA Woman” – Who buys a 400 lb gorilla statue and why would anyone steal it? 400 pounds? And you didn’t hear them outside picking it up?  Really?

20 – “Go Beneath The Arctic Ice” – Is this like a new cruise you can take? It’s been a hot summer but I think I’ll pass.

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