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This Week’s Headlines #6

on September 7, 2012

It has once again been a busy week of political headlines. zzzzzzz….  Oh. Sorry.  I did manage to find some keepers though!  Here we go.

  1. “Ten Grilling Crimes” – Is that like assault with a spatula? Unauthorized use of tongs??
  2. “College On A Budget” – Isn’t that the point of college? It’s supposed to force you to live on Ramen Noodles isn’t it?
  3. “The Most Underpaid Jobs” – I wonder how much people paid to stay off this list?  “Mom” has to be number one….just sayin’.
  4. “Martha Stewart’s Best Packing Tips For Stress Free Travel” – #1 Tell the staff where you are going. #2. Make staff aware of any special outfits you would like to take along. #3 Remind staff where the suitcases are…..
  5. “Why Does The Social Security Administration Need 174,000 Bullets?” – I’m not sure but I’d assume it has something to do with the words ‘Claim Denied’.
  6. “New ‘Hug Me’ Jacket For Lonely Guys” – Seriously?  For guys because girls don’t get lonely? Wait – I looked at it:     Do yourself a favor – just buy a dog.
  7. “Little Reasons Why You Are Gaining Weight” –  M&M’s? Starbursts? Chocolate Chips?
  8. “Six Simple Steps To Get More Done” – #1 – step away from the computer. #2 – quit wasting time reading articles that tell you what you already know…..
  9. “Healthy Mac & Cheese” – What is the point in that?  Life is too short to make food that is not supposed to be healthy be healthy.  Wait.  Maybe that is why life is so short. hmmmm….
  10. “Ten Superfoods For Women” – #1 – Chocolate  #2 – Coffee  #3 – Chocolate and coffee mixed together….
  11. “Toothbrush Saves The Day For Space Station” – See? Your mother was right.  Brushing is important!
  12. “Could You Be A Gorilla?” – Depends on the day.
  13. “100 Year Old Has An Accident” – This is news? Wait – you meant a car accident.  Oh….ok….still…is that news?
  14. “Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble” – The first one would be ‘Do Not Disturb’
  15. “Firm Ok In Firing Worker Who Mooned His Boss” – There was a question about that? Really?  What is wrong with people??
  16. “Things You Shouldn’t Say On A First Date” – #1 – ‘My mom can’t wait to meet you.’ #2 – ‘Soooo…do you have any cute friends’…
  17. “People With Purple Beds Are More Amorous” – There went all sales of purple sheets from the teen department of any store.
  18. “Cocaine Stuffed Chicken Found” –  And to think I’d been using rice or bread crumbs all these years.
  19. “Man Arrested For Swallowing Diamond” – I wouldn’t want the job of retrieving that evidence. EW!
  20. “Implantable Birth Control Known To Go Missing” – Huh?  Where does it go and why can’t they find it?  Some things just should wander off. Can’t you hear that conversation, ‘I’ll be darned.  I could have sworn I put that right there. Wonder where the little bugger wandered off to….’and this week’s bonus:
  21. “Ransom Note Sent For Stolen Plastic Flamingos” – Right. Because you can’t go get more of those from the Dollar Store.  I’ve heard of inventive criminals. This isn’t one of them.  At least steal the lawn gnome man – they all look different from each other so they are harder to replace.

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2 responses to “This Week’s Headlines #6

  1. haha!! I love #4, #9, #13 & #15!!!!

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