The View From A Slightly Twisted Angle

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Kid Quotes #11

on September 22, 2012

After checking the forecast Monday morning I said to Jakob, “Pants today. It’s going to be chilly.” J: “I wear pants every day.”

While I was doing laundry Jakob was standing nearby talking to me.  I was hanging up his football pants to dry when the hanger slipped out and they fell to the floor. J: “Geez Mom. Throw my pants.  You’re fired.” Me: “Great! Do your own laundry and cook for yourself.” J: “Never mind. I’ll fire you after I get married.”

Getting ready to Jakob to football practice. Me: “You don’t need to wear your helmet in the car. It kind of makes it look like I’m an unsafe driver.” Brittnie: “Yeah. You only need to do that when I drive you to practice.”

Brittnie was telling me about a choral leadership speaker at school who was talking to them about proper posture while singing.  She told them “Do not lead with your uterus.” Apparently the two boys my daughter was standing near found that quite funny so Brittnie told them that they shouldn’t lead from that area either. Me: “That’s a good life lesson really. If you don’t lead from that area then no one can get into trouble.” B: “Mother!  Ok. That was funny.”

Brittnie was doing her homework one night when I walked in and turned on the ceiling fan in the kitchen. B: “You blowing my papers Mom.” Me: “Oh sorry. Guess it’s hard to do homework when it’s blowing around.” B: “Wait. Can we turn that thing up?”

This week was Homecoming at the public schools. Neither of my daughters will be attending the dance. Brittnie, a senior, to Lyndsie, a freshman: “The homecoming is way overrated. You spend all this money and think it’s going to be magical and it really isn’t.” L: “Ok but I would have liked to discover that myself.”

The girls were upstairs getting ready for school one morning when Lyndsie walked down all smiles. Me: “My you are chipper today!” L: “One of us has to be.” Me: “Are you trying to tell me something?” L: “Just consider it a warning.”

The girls were watching “Mulan” one afternoon when Lyndsie suddenly asked: “I never have figured out what was wrong with her dad so he couldn’t fight.” Me (staring at her incredulously): “Ummm…he has a cane.” L: “So what? That could be for lots of things.” B: “Right Lynds. He has a broken nose.”

Driving the kids home one evening they were all talking at once. Me: “My ears are getting tired.” J: “Maybe they need more exercise.”

I asked Jakob one evening if he had homework. “No. Well I just have to study for a test.” Me: “Soooooo….you DO have homework.” J: “No I just need to read the story again.” Me: “And that isn’t homework?” J:”Well…if you want to be technical.”

Apparently I forgot to leave the side door to our garage unlocked so Jakob could get in the house after school one afternoon. Thankfully his sisters were home to let him in. I apologized and said, “When you can prove that you are more responsible about keeping track of things then we can just give you a key to that door.” J: “You mean keeping track of things like remembering to unlock the door for your kid?”

Sitting at the table this morning I was talking to my parents (who are visiting) about supper. Me: “I think I’ll just put that roast in a dutch oven and do it in the oven.” Brittnie: “What’s a dutch oven?” Me: “It’s the big pot.” She had a funny look on her face. Me :”The one I cook spaghetti in.” B: “OH! I thought that was just called a big pot.”



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