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This Week’s Headlines #10

on October 5, 2012

In case you live under a rock or have been in a coma this week: there was a debate on Wednesday. How it went and who won and what that means is all up for spin speculation and opinion.  I fear my headlines are going to get harder and harder to find the closer we get to November. Then again I can usually find some way to be amused by something that no one else on the planet would find humorous.  Maybe all will be well after all.

  1. “Explosion May Lead To Diaper Shortage” – That’s usually what happened at my house…..
  2. “Pro Ballplayer Smacks Invisible Home Run.” – If that’s all it takes to make that kind of money sign me up!
  3. “Colorado ‘Frozen Dead Guy’ Festival To Go On With Or Without A Corpse” – Frozen dead guy? Do they ask for volunteers to be the headliner of the festival? Wow!
  4. “What You Should Never Say To People With Migraines” – Pretty much anything.  Silence is golden.  It is also life-preserving.
  5. “Deer Tackles A Skateboarder” – Well it has wheels doesn’t it?
  6. “Best Black Work-out Pants” – I’m going to go with ‘comfortable”….
  7. “School Food Fight Leads To Felony Charge” – Assault with a deadly weapon?
  8. “NYPD Boosts Social Media Patrols” – Paid to watch Facebook all day. Are you kidding? Suppose they hire freelancers because I could totally do that job.
  9. “Why And When Your Hair Turns Gray” – Kids. From the moment of their birth. DUH!
  10. “26 Must-Do Home Projects For Fall” – 26?? Must-do?? Are they kidding? I’ll be lucky to get 3 done.
  11. “Pets That Eat Owners” – Does anyone really need to read this list??  Right….because the word “pet” and “predator” sound so much alike. My mistake.
  12. “Eight Out Of Ten Women Are Wearing The Wrong Size Bra” – I’m just glad they are wearing SOMETHING.
  13. “The Top Ten Complaints Wedding Guests Make” – Seriously? Complaints? Respond ‘no’ to the RSVP or shut up and put on your happy face.
  14. “Man Recovers From Lightning Strike In Kite Accident” – Were you sleeping the day they taught you about Ben Franklin?  Kite + Lightning = ???
  15. “Social Security Myths” – #1: It’ll be there when I retire…..
  16. “Paris Jackson Dons A Wig” – This is news? So did her father. Next!
  17. “Biggest Turnoffs For Buyers Touring A Home” – Dry rot? Mold? Just throwing those out off the top of my head….
  18. “Can This Car Hit 1,000 MPH” – What possible reason is there for a car to go 1,000 mph? Hope that guy isn’t behind me in the express lane…..
  19. “Lip-plumping Products That Really Work” – #1 – fist, #2 – door frame, #3 – back of baby’s head…..
  20. “Jailers Accused Of Sending Inmates On Unsupervised Beer Runs” – It would have been better if they were supervised? 
  21. “T Boone Pickens and 4th Wife To Divorce” – Hope she at least got an Oklahoma State jersey out of the prenup.
  22. “Buddies Banned From All You Can Eat Spot” – So it really isn’t ‘all you can eat’ is it? It’s more like ‘all we want to let you eat’.  I saw the picture with this one by the way.  I totally see the issue here.
  23. “Great Deal On Car Lands Buyer In Jail” – You’ve heard of ‘if it sounds to good to be true….’??   ‘Free Car’ should have been your first clue.
  24. “Canadian Police Seize 600 Barrels Of Missing Maple Syrup” – 600 barrels? What was anyone going to do with that much syrup? Wait. I don’t want to know.
  25. “Research On Mice Suggests New Fertility Treatments” – Yes because mice are known for being so infertile….


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