The View From A Slightly Twisted Angle

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This Week’s Headlines #11

on October 12, 2012

I have to say I haven’t seen so much news about Big Bird in a really long time. I’m a Big Bird fan. I had a stuffed Big Bird when I was young until my brother set it on fire one day. Of course I didn’t know what had happened to him until years later.  I just thought he’d disappeared. I kind of wish all the scuttle about him would do that now….

In non-muppet related news:

  1. “The Skinny Jeans Work-out” – Are they referring to the work-out you must do to look good in them or the work-out it is to simply put them on?
  2. “Wristband Knows When You’re Eating, Running, Sleeping” – Just what everyone needs. Guilt right on your wrist.
  3. “Man Dead, 3 Arrested After Wedding Brawl” – Here is a case for not having an open bar. Why do I have the feeling this will end up on “My Big Redneck Wedding”?
  4. “Man Dies After Live Roach Eating Contest” – Okay: EWWWWW!  There is a reason people have them exterminated from their homes. I don’t know what the prize was but there is no way on the planet it was worth even thinking about entering.
  5. “Man Who Skipped Paying Hotel Bill Nabbed Through Forgotten Toothbrush” – What hotel runs DNA tests on a toothbrush? That must have been some bill!
  6. “Strangest Looking Creatures On Earth” – One has to assume this is an article about Wal-mart.
  7. “Millionaire Blows $65K To Find Love” – That’s what they’re calling it now?
  8. “Coffee Linked To Blindness” – I’ve known that for years. Can’t see a thing until I’ve had my first cup.
  9. “What Teachers Would Like To Say To Parents” –  Get a clue?  No I didn’t say that?  I’m not interested in your excuses?  I’m sorry but your child is not perfect and it isn’t my fault? I can think of several off the top of my head…..
  10. “What Your Breath Reveals About Your Health” – If you have breath you doing okay…..
  11. “Mummy With A Mouthful Of Cavities Discovered” –  Probably should have put a toothbrush in there with him.  Wait.  Aren’t  mummies supposed to be decayed??
  12. “Nun Caught Stealing Beer” – Well you didn’t expect her to put it on her company credit card did you?
  13. “Elderly Couple Unwittingly Grew Pot” – Of course they didn’t know what that plant was. Really. (I can’t wait to get old so I can get away with stuff.)
  14. “QVC Host Faints, Co-host Keeps Selling” – Well they only have 10 minutes to sell all those almost genuine jewels. What was he supposed to do? The faux-jewelry show must go on!
  15. “Waterproof Blue Tooth Works While Floating On Water” – Good to know should you need to talk to someone while in the bathtub. 
  16. “Is Your Boss Watching Your Cholesterol?” – No. He has a life.
  17. “Soda Makers Plan Calorie Counting Vending Machines” – Because that has helped so much at McDonalds….
  18. “Man Tries To Rob Bank For $1” – For heaven sake look for change on the street buddy. 
  19. “Dealer Settles Over Abused Camaro” – Auto-abuse? Really? Whats next? I better start being nicer to my appliances….
  20. “Drinks Guys Should Never Order At The Bar” – Why did the name ‘Shirley Temple’ just pop into my brain?
  21. “Colleges That Lead To Jobs” – Aren’t they all supposed to do that? I want to know which ones DON’T lead to jobs so I won’t send my kids there.
  22. “So You Want A Jet-Pack For Christmas?” –  Did they hire an elf with aeronautical experience?
  23. “Woman Loses Diamond In Corn” – Which is different from a needle in a haystack. In theory.
  24. “Home Insurance: What You Need To Know” – They don’t want to pay for anything.  You didn’t know that?
  25. “Coffin Used As A Planter” – Ummm….duh?

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5 responses to “This Week’s Headlines #11

  1. Janelle says:

    Love these posts! I’m with you on the coffee. Have a great day!

    • wedelmom says:

      Why thank you. I decided that I really must share my usually twisted point of view somehow. 😉
      You have a great day too!

  2. I love them all!!! So funny!!!

  3. First of all, the cockroaches must be upset. One human dies and it’s headline news. The cockroaches he gnashed in his teeth receive no mention at all. Secondly, how are these people drinking their coffee in order to go blind? Do they spill it in their eyes? Thirdly, I would never abuse a car. I apologize to mine profusely over the slightest thing. And lastly, how do you lose something in corn? I could see losing a diamond in, oh I don’t know, a bowl of cubic zirconium–but corn?
    You are hilarious!

    • wedelmom says:

      Yes, the poor roaches. Such maligned little creatures. I think we should petition PETA to stop this madness.
      I was wondering the same thing about the blind coffee drinkers. Perhaps they just have mugs with sharp edges?
      I too talk to my car a lot. Now I’m worried I need to remember to use “nice words”….
      Why anyone would search for money in a big pile of corn wearing their diamond is beyond me. Lost $3,000 diamond so I could dig $15 of change out of corn = FAIL!

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