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Snapped Lessons

on October 24, 2012

Yesterday I admitted my addiction to crime shows both fictional and nonfictional. I love watching the good guys follow the evidence and figure out who done it.  I have no idea why it fascinates me but it does. My husband found this amusing  until he found out I was DVRing the show “Snapped”.  For some reason my watching this show makes him nervous.  I don’t know what his problem is. Well…in fairness….it might have something to do with the fact that ninety percent of the cases they show are about women offing their husbands. He’s so sensitive about things like that.  For some reason he seems to think I’m taking notes.  I pointed out to him that all these women got caught so I’d be pretty stupid to take lessons from them now wouldn’t I?  Now he’s decided that I’m compiling a list of things not to do when I decide to kill him.   Of course since he suggested it my brain went into overdrive compiling a list.  For a blog.  Only for a blog of course.  Here’s what I’ve “learned”:

  1. If you are the beneficiary of your planned victim’s life insurance policy stop now.  They are going to know it was you and why you did it.  Purchasing a giant policy just a few months before the insured perishes in an “untimely accident” is a huge tip-off.  If your victim doesn’t have enough life insurance to pay for his own funeral you may be okay. They’ll just think  you are insane.
  2. If you plan to poison your victim whatever you do, do not, I repeat not!, use antifreeze.  They always find it.
  3. If you work in the medical industry and plan to poison someone don’t steal the drugs from the place of your employment. That’s the first place they look.
  4. Do not do a web search for any kind of poison. Or chemical like, you know, drain cleaner. They will seize your computer and find out what you searched for. Let your drains be clogged for a while.  Our daughter recently looked up the word arsenic for a vocabulary list.  I’m paranoid someone in town is going to die and they’ll come find us.
  5. If you plan to poison your husband to make it look like a heart attack and get away with it whatever you do try a different method to kill the second husband.  Or the third.  A trail of dead husbands gets suspicious looking after a while. (True story.)
  6. If you plan to hire someone to kill your victim while you are at work so that you have an alibi go with a professional one.  Your teenage daughter’s high school friends will crack and give you up.  Not worth the $50 investment.
  7.  Should your victim bleed on your carpet don’t try to clean it up with bleach.  The police will notice the discoloration in the carpet and pull it up.  Then they will find the blood in the padding.  Just go ahead and rip out the carpet and padding…and the subflooring. Blood seeps into everything and they find it.  In fact if your victim could bleed in your house just put down a tarp and dispose of it with the body.
  8. If you plan to set your house on fire to cover up the fact that you left your husband dead in the bed make sure it burns him enough that they can’t find the nick on his breastbone indicating that he’d been stabbed first.  They always figure that stuff out unless there is nothing left but cinders.  Risky plan if you have nosy neighbors who will see smoke and dial 911.
  9. While we are on the subject at least put a cigarette in the man’s hand so it looks like he did it himself.  Gas thrown about the room raises suspicion.  If your victim doesn’t smoke go with an alternate cover up.
  10. If you plan to place your victim in a car and then roll the car over a cliff so it looks like he died in a fiery accident make sure you put the body in the driver’s seat.  No – I’m not kidding – someone really put the guy in the back seat. DUH!
  11. If you don’t get along with your in-laws don’t kill your husband.  They’ll be the first ones to tell the police that they think you did it and chances are they aren’t going to help post bail.
  12. If you’ve ever publicly fought with your victim just don’t contemplate murdering him.  Someone will remember that fight and you’ll be suspect number one.  Sorry: “a person of interest”.
  13. They always examine stomach contents in an autopsy.  Don’t feed the guy, kill him and then try to make it look like he died hours later while you were gone by some mysterious intruder.  They’ll figure that out.
  14. If you are trying to make it look like someone broke into your house and randomly shot your victim don’t throw the shell casings in the washing machine. Investigators will find them.  Again – not kidding. Someone really did that.
  15. In above scenario hiding the gun under the bed or throwing it into the back yard doesn’t work either. Yeah. People are really dumb.
  16. To fake a home invasion you really should break a lock or window or something.  Nobody buys “The door was just open. I don’t know why it was open…”
  17. If you want it to look like a suicide make sure you think about “bullet entry trajectory”. (But whatever you do don’t google that!)  No one can shoot themselves in the back of the head from 5 feet away.
  18. If you plan purchase anything you will use to commit your murder within days of the deed pay cash and throw away the receipt. Oh – and remember – stores have surveillance cameras.  Wear a wig.
  19. Whatever you do don’t complain about your victim within six months of murdering him.  Don’t tell anyone you’d be better off if he were dead.  Don’t solicit anyone you know for fast gun sales or reputable hit men.  They’ll rat you out so they can see their name in the paper.
  20. If you are cheating on your victim just don’t do it.  Can you say “red flag”??  Both you and your lover are going down.
  21. If you do have a co-conspirator and you get caught, which you will, make sure you get to the District Attorney first.  I don’t care how much you think he loves you he’ll sell you out for a sweet plea deal every time.
  22. No one really ever believes the “he had a secret life that no one knew about and it got him killed by some mysterious drug dealer” story.
  23. In the same vein, if you’ve never had a bruise on your body, don’t even try battered woman syndrome.  Emotional distress very seldom works as a defense.
  24. Self defense is hard to prove if the victim was shot from behind, while kneeling, laying down or sitting.
  25.  Finally, if you have books about murder or, you know, episodes of “Snapped” on your DVR,  don’t try to commit the perfect crime.  It looks fishy and no one is going to believe it is just a coincidence.

My husband should feel pretty safe.  From my list you can tell that it is awfully difficult to pull off the perfect crime and I’m just not that savvy.  Aside from that I’m claustrophobic so a jail cell would be unpleasant for me. I can’t think of anything he could do that would be worth going to prison for. Besides: horizontal stripes make me look fat.

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13 responses to “Snapped Lessons

  1. javaj240 says:

    The lesson here really is: don’t kill anyone. Ever. LOL.

  2. I think this is absolutely hilarious because A) it is absolutely hilarious and because B) my mom watches all these shows and she always knows who committed the crime 2 minutes into the show and she is always right! I am seriously scared of her knowledge!! I’m putting this on her Facebook page now!!!

    • wedelmom says:

      LOL – thanks for sharing it! I’m glad to know I have a kindred spirit out there some where. 🙂

      • Here is my mom’s comment: This is TOO FUNNY … I love it !! Dad worries about this interest of mine too … he really doesn’t have MUCH to worry about … I think i might have convinced him … I’m only interested in a career in CSI work! I’ve got the drill down about as good as “wedelmom” and as soon as I find someone hiring … I’m out of here !! With no formal training .. I will just do consulting or Private investigating … I’ve watched every show there is out there, so I’m confident I am well versed in all aspects !! Thanks for sharing “SNAPPED” !

      • wedelmom says:

        Awww! Tell her thanks for me. I can tell I’d have a hoot spending some quality crime show watching with her. 🙂

      • My brother also shared it on Facebook with this comment: Hilarious! If you are going to kill your spouse, there are lessons to be learn from crime shows. This blogger chronicles them all.

      • wedelmom says:

        Wow – I’m honored. Tell him thanks for the “Share”!

      • I will do…I guess it goes to show you I come from a whole family with warped senses of humor!!!

      • wedelmom says:

        Warped is good! Makes the holiday get togethers so much more fun.

  3. OMG, this is hilarious! I’m glad to hear about your aversion to horizontal stripes. Relieved that your hubby doesn’t have to sleep with one eye open.
    This is an awesomely disturbingly funny post!!

    • wedelmom says:

      I don’t know why he’s so nervous. Now if I were DVRing episodes of “I Almost Got Away With Murder” I could see his concern….
      “Awsomely Disturbing” – I think I like that.

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