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This Week’s Headlines #17

on November 23, 2012

Despite having to pick through all the Black Friday Ads that continue to attack my screen yet today (isn’t too late for all that??) I did manage to fight through and find my headlines.  So those of you who are, like me, not out killing people and still spending too much money  shopping, sit back, relax, enjoy and remember that at the end of today you will not need therapy (both emotional and physical) and you still have plenty of time to go Christmas shopping.  For those of you who are reading this later – like on “Black and Blue Saturday” – I hope you had fun. You are braver than I will ever be.

  1. “Worst Dating Advice Of All Time” – So publishing it is a good idea?  What if someone reads that wrong and thinks you are giving him great new ideas?  Be responsible people!
  2. “Careers For People Who Don’t Like People” – Ummm….Undertaker? Monk?  Is “Hermit” a job?
  3. “Make Your Own Twinkies” – Where do you buy all those chemicals ?
  4. “Fan’s Obituary Slams Terrible NFL Team” – Talk about getting in the last word.  Wow!
  5. “The Perfect ‘Twilight’ Vacation Getaway” – If you like hanging out with werewolves and vampires. Oh…and are a girl under the age of 16 or a woman who wants to be.
  6. “Little Tricks That Make Thanksgiving Easier” – #1 – Weasel your way into an invitation somewhere. #2 – If that doesn’t work call a caterer…..
  7. “Simple Steps To Great Wheat Bread” – More simple than picking it up off of the shelf?  The word “simple” makes me nervous by the way….
  8. “Public Nudity Ban Considered In San Fransisco” – They need to consider that? It isn’t already banned?
  9. “Bieber: This Is For All The Haters” – Soooo….you are talking to anyone who isn’t an under 13 year old girl?
  10. “High Paying Jobs No One Wants” – Proctologist?
  11. “Why Black Friday Is Losing It’s Meaning” – Wait? It had meaning?  Could it be because now it starts on THURSDAY?
  12. “Study Finds Apes Have Mid-life Crises” – How can you tell? Do they buy new vines? Start parting their back hair differently?
  13. “Expiration Date For Twinkies Extended” – They have an expiration date?  Who knew? I honestly thought they would outlast cockroaches….
  14. “Avoid Holiday Fights” – Check into a hotel room alone.
  15. “Weirdest Holiday Gifts To Give” – Oh yeah because I want to be that aunt.
  16. “Secrets Of Those Who Live To Be 100” – If they’ve kept them secret this long shouldn’t we just leave them alone?
  17. “What Not To Ask A Kid” – ‘What were you thinking?’
  18. “Treadmill Desks Might Be The Next Office Health Trend” – Are you KIDDING me? Who are these people working for Jack LaLanne?  Oh…wait….
  19. “Man Accidentally Gave Bags Of Cocaine To Cop’s Kids on Halloween” – Two words – EPIC FAIL!
  20. “Three Signs You Are An Oversensitive Employee” – Those pesky nervous breakdowns in the employee restroom, the super size box of Kleenex on your desk and the candy wrappers in your wastebasket.  Just guessing here.

And just to prove that not all goodwill in the world is lost, I stumbled upon this bonus headline: “Store Gives Away Free Groceries After Registers Stop Working.”  Of course that had to be way easier than returning all the stuff to the shelves but….hey….that was nice.

And from today’s “some articles don’t really need to be written” category:


8 responses to “This Week’s Headlines #17

  1. OMG! Where on earth did you find this highly informational…NOT…article on bridges. I always wondered what they were for.
    Apes with midlife crisis? So male stupidity is an inter-species thing.
    Hermit could be a job if people paid a guy to stay away from them. There are some people I’d pay to simply go away.
    How does anyone “accidentally” give a bag of cocaine to anyone’s kids at Halloween? Seriously? Even it you put aside all the standards concerns about providing small children with access to hard street drugs, wouldn’t this make for a really expensive Halloween treat?
    I so want a treadmill desk.

    As usual, you kill me!! Thanks for the laughs.

  2. javaj240 says:

    “Bridges Help People Cross Rivers”… BAHAHAHAHA

  3. I love #11, #19, and #20!!! Hilarious!!!

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