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We Cannot Let It Win

on December 18, 2012

sandy-hook-elementaryYou may have noticed that I have ‘t posted a blog since last Friday.  Haven’t had the desire.  There seemed to be no words to say that were appropriate and it seemed disrespectful to go about blogging in my usual twisted and usually silly mode. I wasn’t feeling very silly.  I was feeling, like most people I know, shocked and saddened. Brokenhearted. Heavy.  Defeated.  In fact I contemplated removing my post from Friday.  Although I posted it before the shooting rampage began Friday morning I still felt like perhaps it was inappropriate to have it posted when such a horrific event was unfolding.  I decided to leave it alone. It reminded me that there is no way anyone can know something like that is about to happen.  No way to foresee it or prepare for it.  Life is fleeting.  We only have the moment we are in right now for certain.  Things can change in an instant.

I’ve spent the last few days struggling to wrap my brain around what happened.  I’ve decided that there is no way to wrap your brain around it.  There is no answer to the “why” questions.  There is no making sense out of a senseless act.  There is no way to figure out something that is as purely evil as someone walking into an elementary school, or any other place for that matter, and opening fire on innocent people.  I can’t comprehend that kind of evil. I hope I never do.  I have concluded only one thing: I’m not going to let the evil win.

Over the weekend though I couldn’t stand to watch too much coverage I did watch several posts and debates unfold on Facebook.  Religious debates.  Gun control debates. Mental health debates.  None of the questions are bad to ask.  There is nothing wrong with seeking some answers. What disturbed me was the vitriol that each side of each issue, clearly believing they were correct, was throwing at each other.  The anger at each other instead of the anger at the act.  The hatred shown to anyone who disagreed with the posters opinion.  I am all for debate and questions until they turn to anger and hatred.  While I’m angry at the evil that occurred on Friday morning – the evil – the act – I am unwilling to let it make me angry and hateful to others simply because they don’t agree with me.  While becoming angry that something occurred is normal letting it take root in my life and spewing it out upon others is not. If I let that happen then the evil is winning isn’t it?

Yesterday as I drove our youngest son to his elementary school I was hit with a kind of surreal feeling.  I noticed other kids walking down the sidewalk to the school and thought about the children who innocently walked into Sandy Hook Elementary last Friday morning.  Some dragging. Some skipping.  All counting days until the upcoming holiday break. As I hugged my son a little longer than usual and kissed him goodbye, twice, while telling him how much I love him, twice, I felt something close to panic.  If something like that could happen in a nice community in Connecticut it can surely happen in a nice community in Nebraska.  In that instant I realized that I was letting fear take over.  While I am a true believer in being diligent to do the things I know to do to protect them I cannot smother my children because I am afraid of what “could” happen.  If  I begin to live in worry, panic and fear over the safety of my children then evil has won.

School resumed in all of the other schools in Newton today.  Many families felt that it was time to get things as back to “normal” as they can.  To begin taking steps toward the future.  To begin to start healing.   So while today my heart is still broken for the community,  specifically the families of the victims and all the people who survived Friday’s attack, I am determined to shake off the heavy feeling that I’ve had for several days.  While I grieve with and pray for those dealing with the shock and aftermath of this tragedy I must not let it take away my hope for the future.  To let the weight of the evil bog me down. To let it make me jaded and  unable to trust people. If it does then the evil has won.  And though it may sometimes feel like evil is winning the battle,  I have enough faith to know:

Evil will not win the war.


If you, like I, feel like there should be something you should do to express your support and thoughts to the people of Newton,  the Newton Post Office has set up a special  box to receive condolences.  Click here for the details.


18 responses to “We Cannot Let It Win

  1. I haven’t felt much like blogging or posting either. I’ll admit I do feel anxious about things, more than before. So, you’re words are good to hear. We can’t let fear take over. I do hope that things move forward in a positive direction with new laws in place, more mental health resources, etc. I haven’t written about it for fear that people would end up debating issues with anger. I wasn’t ready for that.

  2. You couldn’t have described my current mood better. I haven’t been inspired to post anything since last Friday either. My gosh, the post that did go out was about paper towels! This was before I heard the terrible news. But, like you, I decided to keep the post up anyway.
    I am with you 100%. I know that evil will NOT win. It’s just difficult to process when you feel like the wind knocked out of you. I commend you for writing such a brave message my friend!

    • wedelmom says:

      Thank you. I debated about posting this today but I decided that in order to process I needed to “talk” about it a little. While I don’t want to dwell…I want to remember and be respectful to the community. I didn’t just want to ignore it and go back to “regular” posts.

      • I can’t go back to a “regular” post either. In fact, my first post since the incident will be on Thursday. I’m going to address my own confusion about blogging and try to find my rhythm again.

      • wedelmom says:

        You’ll find your rhythm again. Blogging about your feelings, I found, is rather theraputic. (Though I must has re-written 12 times today before it felt right….)

  3. wedelmom says:

    I know what you mean. I was hesitant too because I don’t want an angry debate. I don’t mind civil respectful discussion because that is usually what starts change. I am also hoping that some good, practical changes come in light of this event.

  4. momshieb says:

    I understand your concern about the anger, and the vitriol, I do. Normally, I try very very hard to be civil about politics. But this time I just can’t. This time I am so angry that I fear I will burst into flames.
    I blame those who have steadfastly refused to face the truth about assault weapons for all these years, I blame all those who continuously talk about “gun rights”, and “self-defense” and “hunting”.
    Someone needs to move past civility and stand up and tell the truth: the people who make money by selling these weapons of mass destruction absolutely must share some of the blame here. The people who play with these toys and think that it makes them strong and macho must share the blame. The people who have hidden behind the twisting and warping of the constitution must share the blame.
    I’m far too enraged for a civil and reasonable debate. Twenty babies are dead. Six adults who only wanted to take care of babies are dead. Uncounted lives are ruined forever because of those deaths.
    I don’t want civility, or debate. I want action. Before it happens in my classroom.

    • wedelmom says:

      I don’t think I worded that well. It isn’t the anger and vitriol at an issue that causes me concern. It is passion about a subject that motivates change. It’s when the anger is directed at people – simply because they don’t agree with the passion.
      I understand why this is so important to you and admire your passion. Honestly I think you’ve stated your opinion well. You are angry at the problem and you have excellent questions. Those questions deserve to be answered and addressed. I’ve never concidered you to be disrespectful to others. Just passionate about your beliefs. There’s a big difference.

      • momshieb says:

        Thank you, my friend! I have, unfortunately, been less than kind and gentle in some of my facebook interactions in the last week….(sheepish blush) and I do try hard to keep my rage under control. Glad that at least on WordPress I have held myself in a little!
        Truly, I know that everyone out there is just trying to find the answer to an unanswerable question, and I know that we will all struggle to make sense of the senseless. Just way too many gun soaked nightmares for me lately, I guess. Anyway, you worded your post very well: It was my shamefaced defense that prompted my reply! Peace!

      • wedelmom says:

        Well now Facebook is a great place for people to be less than kind and gentle – LOL! I don’t even mind a heated thread but there were a few I read that deteriorated to a “I hope the next psycho with a gun points it at you…” sort of thing. That’s the anger I was thinking of when I wrote.
        No need to be sheepish or shamefaced. This is an emotional issue. Highly emotional.

  5. javaj240 says:

    Agreed. It’s hard, though— not to smother. Not to panic. Not to let the evil win. But, we can’t. There are issues and questions that need to be addressed, though. Lord knows I don’t have the answers, but I hope that collectively we can come up with something.

    • wedelmom says:

      It is SO hard not to smother and panic. I have to remind myself daily not to do it. There are many, many issues that need to be addressed. I have no answers either and I know some of the issues are more complex than they would seem. I also hope that working together will provide some clarity and answers.

  6. Oh yes, it is very hard to “go back to business as usual” with everything. I’m trying to because I know when I keep thinking about things it’s hard for me to shake it and it becomes my routine. I wonder how hard it must have been for those parents to send their kids back to school if it was this hard for us.

  7. Valerie says:

    I never even turned on my tv to watch coverage. I read a brief recount online on Friday evening as I was heading out of my house to go to a family get together (that’s when I first found out about it). That night I got a little more info online but there was no way I could have watched reports on tv. It was just too TRAGIC.
    Over the weekend I heard a little more and a little more. All the pieces were coming together and I was so grief stricken (as was the world). My Christmas spirit was *gone*!!
    My husband and I talked for a long time last night, staying up too late, to finally get out all of how we’re feeling about it. I am starting to feel like normal again, but Christmas just isn’t going to be the same. It can’t be.
    I pray that the parents know how many people are grieving with them and praying for them.

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