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This Week’s Headlines #39

newspaper

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve perused the latest headlines and I have to admit that I’ve missed it. I’m not sure what it is about poking fun at some of the things that hit my browser news feed that is so therapeutic but it just is.  Join me in this week’s therapy….

  1. “No You Are Not Hallucinating” – Thanks. I feel better.
  2. “McDonald’s CEO Makes A Surprising Admission” – It isn’t really food…
  3. “Starbucks Toilet Water Coffee Sparks Anger” – I’d guess so. EW!
  4. “Mermaid Hoax Makes A Big Splash” – Hoax?? What?! They aren’t real?!?!  I suppose next you are going to tell me crabs don’t sing either.  Sigh….
  5. “Typo On Sign Spurs Bomb Threat” – Was that a sign for anger management classes??
  6. “You’re Probably Playing Monopoly Wrong” – Well of course I am. I want it to end.
  7. “This Is Not Another Cute Animal Video” – Oh shoot! I haven’t seen enough of them on Facebook lately.
  8. “Best Way To Win An Argument” – Don’t start one.
  9. “High School’s Unpleasant Surprise For Grads” – Your diploma  isn’t signed.
  10. “Top Fast Food Chains You Haven’t Heard Of Yet” – Huh?  How did they get to the top if no one has heard of them?  That’s amazing!
  11. “The Food You Are Eating May Be From China” – Perfect! Then after I eat it and gain weight it’ll be at home in my clothes.
  12. “Prancercise: The Most Amazing Workout” – Prancercise?? There is a great mental image….
  13. “Simpson Looks Ready To Give Birth” – Well that is kind of rude.
  14. “H&M Apologizes: Models Have Been To Skinny” – Well it’s about time!
  15. “The Secret To Jennifer Aniston’s Fit Body” – She works out?
  16. “What Your Coffee Order Says About You” – I’m addicted?
  17. “Hidden Benefits Of Healthy Habits” – Ummm…gonna go out on a limb here…you are healthy?
  18. “Grumpy Cat Starring In A Movie” – Didn’t they already make Garfield?  Twice Already?
  19. “Can You Tell Who Is A Soda Addict And Who Is The Meth Addict?” – I would hope so.  I’ve heard of being hopped up on sugar, but….
  20. “Dangerous Braids That Can Tangle In Brains And Veins” – Dangerous Braids?  As much as I love them I gotta go with Butter Braids.  Well for my veins anyway….

I’m not sure if this one scares me or makes me laugh….

weird-and-funny-newspaper-headlines-and-articles-79

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Highest Distinction

b_gradYesterday I whined about mentioned that part of our frantic busyness lately included a graduation.  The graduation of our second child and oldest daughter. Above is our little graduate in all her glory.  I must say I couldn’t be any more proud of our little girl.  Three years ago at her brother’s graduation ceremony she leaned over to me and said, “Mom I’m going to wear one of those white robes.”  The white robes are worn by the kids graduating with highest distinction: extra AP  and foreign languages classes.  She also had her eyes set on the gold ropes: top ten percent of the class.  As evidenced above: she did it. She ranked number 6 in her class and never got lower than an A in high school (or any school for that matter.) She’s always been like that: set her mind on something and you may as well give it up because she is going to do it.  Thankfully thus far she has always set her mind on good things.  I’d hate to think of the wars we’d have had if she had not.  We had enough wars getting through the “good stuff” while trying to keep her from killing herself in the process.  WE had a lot to celebrate!

Somewhere in my head I thought this graduation was going to be easier.  After all I didn’t have to clean a house or landscape a yard like before.  We held her party in the garage of the home where she has been living for the last few months. Her gracious “other parents” are amazing people and opened the use of their home to us.  She also picked a simple menu.  She didn’t want “normal” graduation fare.  Nope.  Not our girl.  She wanted dips: nacho, spinach, salsa….you get the drift.  Simple, right?  Sure is until you have to mix them all up on the day of the party.  She also decided she wanted mini cupcakes instead of a normal graduation cake.  No problem.  Cupcakes are easy.  Until you get to number 500.  Then they are annoying.  On top of that was the simple task of storing and transporting them the 100 miles to her party.  But this was a party for our graduating daughter so we muscled on.  She really hadn’t made any requests that were unreasonable.  She even came home the week before and helped bake her own cupcakes and make her own special chocolates.  A mom can’t ask for anything more than that.

Because of our job schedules we couldn’t make it up until the Friday before her graduation.  I must say I shed many a tear the week before knowing that I was unable to go to her baccalaureate or final awards night but she never complained.  She wouldn’t complain if I asked her to.  That’s just how she is.  It was with great joy we rolled into town on Friday to get our party weekend started.  Our oldest son drove across the state to join us in celebrating his little sister’s achievements.  We hadn’t all been together since the last night we spent together in our former house.  It made my mother’s heart happy to see all my kids together again acting like the genuine goofballs I have raised them to be.  We got ready for the party and swam in the hotel pool.  We just hung out and had some fun.  It was wonderful.

Sunday was the big day.  Thankfully our daughter had texted me following her graduation practice earlier in the week: “Mom they may make you stand up when they announce my name for highest distinction.”   My reply:  “Why? I didn’t do anything.”  Her reply: “Well…DUH! You are my parents!”  Me: “So?  We didn’t graduate with highest distinction.”  Her: “Well no but YOU’RE MY PARENTS! You had something to do with it”  ‘Okay’, I thought, ‘so I’ll stand.’  And I did.  With tears in my eyes and pride clogging my throat.  I did manage to make it through the ceremony without breaking down, a point my oldest son was proud to point out for me.  “Gee Mom.  You cried when I graduated.  You must be getting better at this.”  Stinky kid.

Formalities done we went on to party.  A hot pink and zebra striped party to be exact. (Which reminds me…if you would like to host a party with zebra napkins and pink and black plates and utensils let me know.  I’ll ship them to you.  With some mini-cupcakes in zebra liners.)  We saw friends we hadn’t seen for a while.  Our families drove up and joined us, which was a little surreal considering we live by them all now.  We talked and laughed and ate. It was a great day and one that I hope honored our little honor graduate.  One I hope she will remember for the rest of her life.  We celebrated until the rain started and the clock warned us it was time to be done.  Exhausted, we all pitched in to return our friends’ home into some semblance of order.   After the last of the mess was cleaned and everything was packed back into vehicles to head home we all gathered for last goodbyes.  As I stood in our friends’ kitchen and watched my kids give each other one more giant group hug I realized something.  I have some truly great kids.  I also realized that my daughter’s text from earlier that week was true: we are their parents.  we had something to do with it. That will forever be our “Highest Distinction”.

**Even if they usually act like this…. (No they aren’t looking at anything.  They just wanted to look “up” because they were tired of pictures.)

b3

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It’s Wednesday! Wondering Where I’ve Been??

WonderingWednesday

It feels like it has been forever since I actually sat down and played in the blogosphere.  Where in the world has the time gone and how did I get so neglectful I wonder?  Oh…I know. Kid graduating 100 miles away.  End of the school year and the start of summer activities. Shift from a part-time job to a now full time job complete with overtime hours. Yardwork between rain (and snow!) storms.  Okay so I’ve been busy.  Busy enough it makes me wonder….

  1. Does the fact that I find myself wanting to run into other cars on the interstate simply on principle mean that I am showing early signs of road rage or does it just mean I’m now a “big city” commuter?
  2. Why do things that sound like they are going to be simple turn out to be a ridiculous amount of work?  Mini cupcakes for a graduation party? Simple enough: easy to bake…easy to frost. For your family.  When using one cake mix.  750 cupcakes later it hit me that I’m not working (or baking) with a full deck.
  3. Just how long will mini cupcakes keep in the freezer anyway?  Note to self: next graduation – fewer cupcakes – more salsa dip.
  4. Who invented the trombone?  Our youngest had his first music lesson yesterday and I must remember to send a thank you to the trombone’s inventor.  And his music teacher for picking it out for him.
  5. How many times do you think I can get away with, “Why don’t you go play for Grandma so she can see how good you are getting”?  I seriously thought something was having a terrible accident in my house last night.
  6. Last year we were headed in a drought.  This year we are getting rained (and stormed) upon every day. “Climate change”? Why don’t we call it what it really is: “We can’t predict nor control the weather so we have to come up with a name to blame it on”?
  7. If I promise to feel guilty every time I blast my hairspray can we give it a rest?  I remember the weather being this weird when I was little.  Really…
  8. Is it just me or is it ironic that last year at this time when I was doing battle with our overgrown yard I was dreaming of moving to a house with less yard work and this year I am living on a farm?  In case you were wondering: yes – that is the definition of ironic.
  9. Why does gardening always sound so much better in theory than in practice?  My everything hurts….and we aren’t done.
  10. I drove by a convoy (seriously – 5 trucks) painted with the logo “Port-O-Pots”.  Really?  That’s the best name they could come up with?? I don’t even want to know where they were going….

wonder1

Happy mid-week all!

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This Week’s Headlines #38

newspaper

This week’s news at the home front is that I’m exhausted. Wait that isn’t really news. Because of the busyness I haven’t had much time to peruse the news. I am making no promises about the quality of this week’s post.  Tired also makes me a bit loopy.  Just saying. Okay, disclaimer done, here goes….the stuff that caught my tired eyes this week:

  1. “Idol Judge Quits” – This is news? Doesn’t this happen every season?
  2. “Parenting Practice May Make Kids Depressed” – Well then I’ve done my job haven’t I?
  3. “Who Does Megan Fox’s Body Double Look Like?” – Ummmm…..Megan Fox? Just a guess.
  4. “Miley’s ‘Terrifying” Encounter” – She found a mirror?
  5. “Man Hitchhikes Around The World” – One has to wonder how he got to Hawaii….
  6. “Appalling New York City Rooms For Rent” – Is this supposed to help get them rented?
  7. “Five Degrees For People Who Don’t Like School” – Brought to you from the University of McDonalds.
  8. “How J-Lo’s Boyfriend ‘Out-divas’ Her” – Now that is impressive.  A 20-something diva boy toy.  His mom must be so proud.
  9. “Inmate Uses Spoon To Break Out Of Jail” – That’s a lot of digging.
  10. “Simple Design Tricks From A Mansion Makeover.” – I’ll be sure to write those down for when I get my next mansion.
  11. “Twitter Enabled Diapers” – Are they kidding? I need a tweet when the baby’s diaper needs to be changed.
  12. “Kick Me Prank Ends In Felony Conviction” – I wonder what the statute of limitations is on that one.  I know several people who might want to hide.
  13. “Landlord Mistakes Tenets Tomato Plants For Pot And Calls Cops” – Because they look so much alike.  Must have been faster than filing eviction papers.
  14. “Woman Slaps Deputy So She Can Go To Jail And Quit Smoking” – Okay – wow!  You’d think with that much creativity she could have figured out a way to fancy up those patches so no one would notice them….
  15. “Woman Accidentally Shot In Mouth With Harpoon” – Who keeps a harpoon lying around??
  16. “Rodman To Kim: ‘Do Me A Solid And Free American'” – I really really hope Dennis checked to see how that translated before he said it.
  17. “Woman Seeks Home For World War 2 Letters Found In Hatbox” – They had a home.  The hat box. Duh!
  18. “Houston Braces For Giant Snail Invasion” – Is this a really bad B-grade horror flick?  Are the snails giant or is the invasion giant?
  19. “Off-stage Drama Dominates American Idol” – It dominates on stage too doesn’t it?
  20. “Carter Named Most Trusted Politician” – Like that is saying much. Is that kind of like being the nicest grumpy old lady on the block?

Here’s a case of an unfortunate last name….

funny-headlines-gone-wrong-20Happy Weekend All!!

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Wednesday. I Wonder…

WonderingWednesday

At the moment I am wondering if I have one active brain cell left.  It’s been one of those weeks at work…which makes me wonder if I’m really cut out for this job. Of course I also wonder if I’m cut out for any job at this point.  Maybe an ice cream taste tester.  Yeah….I could do that job.  The other wonders around here are:

  1. Am I the only person who sometimes wishes someone would drop a house on a person? I mean really…if you’re going to be a witch we might as well take it all the way.  Maybe a bucket of water would work.
  2. How do we know what colorblind people see?  It isn’t like you can tell for sure.  How do we know when they say, “It looks gray to me.” that their isn’t like…say…our red and our red is really gray?
  3. Why are there just some people who make everything complicated?  Is that like a form of recreation for them or are they really just that complicated?
  4. Why didn’t I think that planning a graduation party from 100 miles away was going to be hard? I really should have known better shouldn’t I?  “With age comes wisdom”? Not in my life.
  5. Does anyone else break into a cold sweat every time the next child obtains the book to take their learner’s permit test?  Better put the hairdresser on speed dial.  I can feel those gray hairs coming in at a rapid rate.
  6. Who named a computer mouse a mouse?  They really aren’t that popular an animal.  If it’s because of the tail then what do I call my wireless one?  A blind mouse? (Wait for it…you’ll get it…think nursery rhyme.)
  7. Why do kids ask you the most questions when you are tired and not really listening?  Did I just agree to send one of them to Disneyland??
  8. Are birds particularly attracted to blue vehicles?  Do they look like bird bathrooms from above or something? You might have shared that insight with me before I moved to the country with no garage.
  9. Why are weeds easier to grow than flowers?  I mean after all they are both plants.
  10. Has anyone else ever noticed that there is nothing express about the express lane?  Why don’t they just call it the “We’ll make you think it’s quick by naming it this but then only staff it with one person who is trying to check out five hundred people all of whom have one item over the limit” lane?

And my biggest wonder today….

charliebrown

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I May Not Be Cut Out To Be A Digital Parent

I had an interesting call from our younger daughter’s school.  It was an invitation to a “Digital Parents Meeting.” I found myself wondering if that meant the parents would be digital, the meeting would be digital or…? Turns out it was a forum on youth and social media. “Parents who are informed on Social Media have a better chance of partnering with their children.”  Okay I guess I’ll buy that though I never really thought of “partnering” with my kids. I am more into “parenting” and “policing”….but that is a blog for another day.  The subject caught my interest anyway because my family has been encouraging me to get a twitter account for over a year now.  I’m hesitant to do that however because I find myself  having to sit on my hands in order to not make comments on people’s posts on the social media sites I am already on to begin with.  I’m not sure that adding another outlet for me to potentially get myself in trouble is a good idea. I serious: I can really get myself into trouble. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just me because we all know that my brain works slightly different than most other people so I thought I’d enlist some help from my blogging friends.  The following are some real life examples of the things I keep seeing and the thoughts that pop into my head.   Go ahead. Take the quiz. I’d like to know I’m not alone.

**The news feed is crammed with pictures of wonderful new recipes to try.

Comments to make:

  1. “Have you actually tried this or are you bored?”
  2.  “Did I subscribe to the food network?”
  3. “Are you trying to make the rest of us feel like underachievers?”
  4. Refrain from commenting and bookmark the ones that you might like to try

**The news feed is crammed with pro/anti gun control, conservative / liberal quotes, pictures and the like.

Comments to make:

  1. “Totally understand that you are pro/anti “fill in the blank” and you have every right to be, but could you give it a rest?”
  2. “No seriously – give it a rest.”
  3. “Why don’t you use this energy writing to your congressman?”
  4. “Do you really imagine you are swaying people’s opinions or are you just trying to start a fight?”
  5. Hide the person.

**The same woman who bashes her spouse constantly also shares “Daily Marriage Builders”.

Comments to make:

  1. “Have you thought of trying any of these?”
  2. “Do you live in a virtual reality?”
  3. “Ever heard of matching your walk and your talk?”
  4. Shake your head and keep on scrolling.

**Another woman posts every thought that enters her head and you are pretty sure she is bi-polar. Seriously.  Depending on the day we are up and down and up again. And someone is always out to get her.

Comments to make:

  1. “You are aware they have meds for this right?”
  2. “Not everyone in the world is against you.  Grow up.”
  3. “Not everyone is interested in your every thought.  Really. But I hope you feel better now.”
  4. Shake your head and hide her.

**The local hypochondriac posts multiple updates, every day, on each symptom and pain.

Comments to make:

  1. “I’ll bet your doctor runs when he hears you’re on the phone.”
  2. “Quit reading the side effects on every pill bottle!”
  3. “You poor baby.  I feel so sorry for you.  (Is that what you were looking for?)”
  4. Thank the makers of Facebook for the “block” button.

**Someone posts a re-tweet of Kane West defending his relationship with Kim Kardashion. In that tweet he says, “She’s my baby mama and we’re together so get over it.” (or something to that effect.

Comments to make:

  1. “What a romantic guy!! WOW!”
  2. “Just so I’m straight: do you think calling someone ‘my baby mama’ is a good thing?”
  3. “Were you overly bored today?? Try following intelligent people.”
  4. Once again ponder the actual value of Twitter.

**You view for the hundredth time a post full of horrid grammar and spelling.

Comments to make:

  1. “Did you actually graduate from High School or did they just give you a diploma to get you out of there?”
  2. “Spell Check – Try It!”
  3. “They are = they’re…There is a place…Their is for those people.”
  4. Shut up and immediately write a thank you note to all of your former English teachers.

**Your news feed is crammed with all sorts of interesting game posts.

Comments to make:

  1. “Are you at work??”
  2. “Do you have no life?”
  3. “Thanks for sharing.  I was worried about what level your farm/garden/fishery was at.”
  4. Be thankful you can bock games and add game number 362 to your list.

**You see the same person, over and over, post every picture, quote, video and link they can find.  Multiple times a day.

Comments to make:

  1. “Seriously.  There is life outside your door.  try it.”
  2. “Can you try to limit yourself to 100 a day?”
  3. “Thank you for all the puppy/kitty/men pictures.  My whole day is much happier now.”
  4. Be thankful you have a life and get off the computer so you can go live it.

See….I told you I don’t think I’m ready to be a digital parent or a tweeter. (Just don’t tell my husband I use his account sometimes…okay?)

wonder7.quotesonimages

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This Week’s Headlines #37

newspaper2

The big news around here this week was May Day.  More specifically the snow that fell on May Day and turned the roads into a slushy icy mess.  On May Day.  That means it snowed in May.  That isn’t exactly conducive to leaving fun flowery baskets and running off before you get caught. You’ll slip and fall down. I may live in Nebraska but this is unusual even for here.  Unusual enough that it caused our oldest daughter to text me: “Ok seriously.  Mother Nature is on CRACK!” Personally I think it’s global warming.  Wait….climate change.  That’s what we call it now.  Last year at this time it had been spring for two months already and we were headed into a drought.  This year it’s snowing in May and we can’t keep enough washer fluid in the cars to combat the precipitation falling from the sky.  I wouldn’t mind climate change so much if it would just pick a climate to change to.  In other news….

  1. “What To Major In If You Want To Get Rich” – Dating only children of multi-millionaires.
  2. “Worker Dies In Blender” – What?  Was he working at Charlie’s Chocolate Factory?
  3. “Meet The New Cinderella” – I’ve never actually met the old one.
  4. “Why LL Cool J Kept One Pant Leg Rolled Up” – Dog with an over active bladder?  Seems as logical as any other explanation.
  5. “Bikini Made Of Metal” – Oh now there is a great idea.  Go swimming in a lead suit.  Brilliant!
  6. “Can A Lack Of Friends Shorten Your Life” – I have no idea but I know I’ve had a few “friends” who have made me wish life was shorter.
  7. “See Bubba From Forest Gump Today” – What are they talking about? Bubba died!
  8. “Seven Things You Should Never Buy Used” #1 – gum.  #2 – underwear…..
  9. “Serious Benefits Of Late Night Eating” – You don’t sleepwalk to the kitchen?  Less grumpy at bedtime?
  10. “Freak Accident Forces College QB To Retire” –  Retire from college?  And aren’t all accidents ‘freak”?  Does anyone plan accidents?
  11. “Five Dying Careers You Should Avoid” – Well snow plow driver isn’t on the list.  This year anyway.
  12. “Tim Tebow Doesn’t Interest Dolphins” – Neither do I.  Your point?
  13. “What If Barbie Looked Like A Real Woman?” – Her clothes wouldn’t fit and she could never walk in those shoes.
  14. “Kim Kardasion Freaks Out At Beauty Salon” – Just wait until she gets to the delivery room.
  15. “Dramatic Bee Disappearance Explained” – Bug spray?
  16. “Former Boy Band Member’s Advice” – Hair gel doesn’t work on bald spots?
  17. “Warren Buffet Sends His First Tweet” – Oh please.  I’m sure he has someone to do that for him.
  18. “Vouge’s Guide To Affordable Fashion” – Affordable for whom? Your models?
  19. “Shoplifter Argues: The Store Is Named Finders Keepers” – Okay that one is actually pretty cleaver.  Bet it didn’t work but he should get time off for creativity.
  20. “How To Read Food Labels” – With a dictionary.  Wait is monosodyliglucomine in the dictionary?  Maybe invite a scientist over…

And from my “Ya Think?!” file:

Photo Credit: mom-ology.ca

Photo Credit: mom-ology.ca

I’d imagine he had pain in several places….

Happy Weekend All!!

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It’s Wednesday So Of Course I’m Wondering

WonderingWednesday

The biggest of my wonderings lately has been about the fact that I can’t seem to get as much done around the house as I used to.  I feel like I’m always running in circles and not quite keeping up.  I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it.  The house is half the size of our old one and I have half as many kids at home.  I also have a mother who feeds us about once a week.  I mean what is my problem??  Then suddenly the light bulb went off with the help of my sweet husband who has a gift of pointing out the obvious: I am working ten to thirteen hours more a week now and I have an hour a day commute.  Oh…that might explain it.   I guess once in a while my meandering wondering actually creates results.  Who knew?

  1. Why is it when you get new technology the first thing people say is, “Give it time – you’ll love it!”  Okay I’ve had a Mac Book at work for almost five weeks now.  I can tolerate it now and I even like a couple features but, sorry apple- ites,  can’t say I love it.  How much more time does it take?
  2. Will I never learn?  I got a new phone over the weekend (see above question.)  I used to be able to text quickly….
  3. Does it mean that I’ve done too much yard work because I discovered an Easter egg that was at least three years old and actually pondered for the moment if the candy inside would still be good?  Please tell me yes.
  4. Why is it you always realize you did the wrong thing a second after you did it and there is nothing to do to stop it?  I’m surprised I haven’t blown up every electronic we’ve ever owned.
  5. Am I the only person whose “one more thing” before I go to bed takes twice as long as I thought it would? No wonder I’m tired!
  6. Why do people in really nice cars ride your bumper on a gravel road and then make gestures at you because you are getting dust on them?  In fact why are they driving a really expensive car on a gravel road anyway?
  7. Is it bad that I actually contemplated finding the biggest rock on the road and hitting it just right so it would “accidentally” come off my back tire into the person above’s windshield.  Don’t worry.  I didn’t.
  8. Does anyone else think about holding your breath when the nurse is taking your pulse?  You know she’s watching and counting your respiration, right? Again don’t worry.  I haven’t.
  9. Am I the only one who constantly fights thoughts like those above?
  10. Where in the world did they get the great idea to name a product “Tag Away“?  I mean it’s very literal but couldn’t they have jazzed it up a bit?  How about “Flap Be Gone”?  “Liquid Skin Scissors”? Okay.  Now we know why I don’t work in marketing.

See? I told you wondering is a good thing sometimes….

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