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Kids Quotes #15

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This morning as I procratinate  prepare to “undeck” our halls my mind is going over the fun things from this Christmas in our home. In the midst of my thinking it occurred to me that I haven’t posted a Kid’s Quotes for a while.  It isn’t that my kids haven’t been funny. It’s that I’ve been to busy “holly and jolly-ing”  to make note of them.  So before they are ever erased from my ever shrinking memory here we go:

Dropping off 10-year-old Jakob for his last day of school before holiday break last week I told him to have a wonderful day. “Mom. All we are going to do today is watch movies and sing. I could do that at home.”  He probably had a point but I made him go to school anyway.

That same evening, giddy from the prospect of having four days off, I was making pizza for the kids while listening to a “Glee” Christmas CD.  My girls were preparing frosting  and one of our oldest daughter’s friends was on his way to our house to help decorate cookies.  Suddenly the inspiration to sing along – badly – and throw in a few killer dance moves overtook me.  With a look of horror on her face,  our 18-year-old, Brittnie, looked at me and said, “Are you about done with that?”  What? She didn’t think her friend would enjoy a front row seat? Kill joy.

In a like fashion, Christmas Eve morning found me in the kitchen listening to my favorite Mannheim Steamroller CD when suddenly the need to perform an impromptu ballet overtook me. (What was in the peppermint flavored coffee anyway??) Wide eyed my children finally turned to their father. “Dad. Mom is losing it.  Make her stop.”  Their father, my ever loyal husband, replied with a grin, “Why?  I think it’s kind of sexy.”  (I love that man!!) After a chorus of “Ewwwwwws” 14-year-old Lyndsie piped up, “Really Dad? Must you make us all sick for Christmas??”  I love freaking my kids out.

Driving home for Christmas with my family last Sunday my kids were in rare form: hyper, cracking jokes and making each other laugh.  After a conversation between the youngest two I heard Jakob say, “I’m funny. I’ll be making Mom’s blog.”   Me: “Is that a goal in life?”  Lyndsie piped up: “No but you have to admit that was funny.” Me: “It was but I probably won’t remember what he said.” L: “Sure you will. You remember everything.”  Me: “I remember less and less every day.” J: “Don’t they sell pills to help that Mom?”  Smart Alec.

Because it was our final time to celebrate in this house during dinner on Christmas Eve my husband encouraged our kids to share some of their memories fromChristmases the past 14 years.  It was fun and one of my favorite memories shared came when our 21-year-old Erik started talking about how they would send Lyndsie down early in the morning (night?) to check out what Santa brought and report back to them.  Brittnie piped up: “Remember the year we got pets and she came upstairs all excited, ‘Britti! You got a FISH!'” (Lyndsie was probably three at the time.) E: “Yeah. Then remember she ran into my room, ‘Erik you got a RAT!’  I said, ‘A rat?’ and she said, “Well it’s alive and furry and running around and you got him!’ ” (It was a guinea pig for the record.) B: “Yeah and we were like, ‘Thanks for ruining Christmas Lyndsie!'”  Me: “Wait! You sent her down to spy and then got mad when she told you what you got? How does that work??”  E: “Well she was the quietest on the stairs.  We didn’t expect her to tell us everything.”  Me: “Serves you right.” B: “You’ll notice she isn’t the one we send down now!”  They send someone down?  I had no idea.

Christmas morning Jakob, who doesn’t believe in Santa any longer but still really likes presents, woke us all at 7:30.  I smiled at his bleary-eyed older siblings as we gathered in the living room.  Me: “You’ve been waking me up for years.  No grumbling.”  Brittnie: “We aren’t grumbling.  Besides in a couple of years he’ll figure out that the gifts will be the same gifts two hours later.”  Oh I hope not!

One of my favorite memories from this Christmas will be Erik sitting in the kitchen last Saturday while I was puttering about.  He kept pulling up videos of Timothy Hawkins a comedian he loves.  I don’t remember the last time I laughed that much.  I’m going to share two of my favorites:

If you watched that to the end, I am totally getting a t-shirt that says, “Jesus loves you but you are annoying.”  I’m going to wear it ever day at work for the next five months.

We now have “little helpers in the car” “little helpers in the kitchen”….you get the drift.

During Christmas breakfast Erik’s chair was in the direct sunlight reflecting off of the snow and streaming in the window.  He moved a little. Me: “I’m sorry you got the blinding chair.” E: “No worries Mom.  I can eat bacon blind.”

My husband, who is Superman, has a thing about filling the cars gas tanks when it is cold outside.  He thinks he should do it. While Brittnie was working he traded my vehicle for hers so he could fill her tank. Apparently she came out of work while he was gone because I got a text: “Am I supposed to drive the Escape? My car is gone!”  I texted back that her dad had it hang tight.  A little while later both my husband and daughter walked through the door. Me: “You found each other.” My Husband: “I found her all right. She started walking home.” Me: “What??” Brittnie: “Well the Escape was locked and I didn’t have keys so I didn’t know what else to do.”  (I might insert here that the doors have a key code.  Just saying.) I started laughing at her. B: “Well Daddy didn’t answer my text.” Me: “So you started walking?? It’s 5 degrees outside!” B: “I didn’t know what else to do!” MH: “Hmmm…how about walking back in the store and waiting. Or – hey – use your phone and call me.” From the other room Lyndsie interjected: “Wait! You can call on a cell phone??”  Me: “Apparently not everyone can.” B: “You people are all mean and you suck!”  From the other room, Jakob: “Maybe….but the rest of us aren’t freezing.”

While driving somewhere Canon in D came on the radio. Brittnie: “I don’t get why this is a Christmas song. It’s a wedding song.” Me: “Because they added words. You know ‘On this night, on this night, on this very Christmas night.” B: “Oh I know but it is still a better wedding song.” Me: “Wherever it’s played it’s beautiful.” Lyndsie continued to try to discuss whether it was better for Christmas or weddings when suddenly Brittnie says, “Shut your trap! It’s a beautiful song!”  We’ll work on a beautiful attitude later I guess.

That’s what Christmas was about for us this year: time together, love and a lot of laughter.  Perhaps that is why I’m busy procrastinating about packing the decorations away for our upcoming move.  I want to savor a little longer but the bubble wrap awaits….

photo credit: http:images.google.com

photo credit: http:images.google.com

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Kids Quotes #14

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This weekend while baking cookies “Jingle Bells” began playing on the radio in the kitchen.  I was suddenly transported back in time to a similar scene several years ago.  That year Jakob ,  3 at the time, was sitting in the kitchen “helping” me when Jingle Bells started playing.  Suddenly he asked, “What’s a Bop Tail?”  In my head I was debating whether I wanted to explain that it was “bobtail” and what that meant exactly.  Every answer was followed with another question at that time in his life.  Before I could formulate my answer Brittnie, who was twelve and knew everything then, answered very matter of factly, “It’s BOB’S tail.  Bob is the horse’s name.”  J seemed satisfied and I didn’t have to explain docking horses tails so I let it go.  I still laugh every time I hear Jingle Bells though.

The girls were being girls and bickering. At one point Brittnie, 18,  looked at Lyndsie, 14, and said, “Geez. Hormones much? Eat some chocolate!” L’s retort: “You eat some chocolate!” Quietly from his chair poor 10-year-old Jakob said, “Why don’t you both eat some chocolate?”  It isn’t easy being the little brother some days.

Jakob was “negotiating” with me as usual. Me: “Please take your pile upstairs.” J: “Why don’t I just take it up when I go to bed.” Me: “Why don’t you just take it up now like I asked you?” J: “Why does it need to go up now?” Me: “Why don’t I just poke you in the nose?” J: “Hey! My nose is precious!”  He did get the message though and took his stuff upstairs.  Good thing.

Lyndsie had a particularly bad day at school one day and came home a bit cranky.  And snippy.  I must have raised my eyebrow at some point because Brittnie, who honestly believes that she never acts the same way said, “It’ll be okay Mom. She’s just been in a bad mood for about two years. She’ll grow out of it.”  Wisdom from the 18 year old.  Gotta love it.

Dropping Jakob off at school one morning I noticed he still had a ‘sleepy bug’ in the corner of one of his eyes.  Me: “Close your eyes for a second.”  He complied but I couldn’t reach the offending eye. Me: “Look at me.”  Jakob: “How am I supposed to look at you if my eyes are closed?”  Had me there didn’t he?

Another cold morning before school. J: “Is it really only 2 degrees outside?”  Me: “Yep.  I suggest you don’t dawdle while you walk in.” J: “Why do you hate me?”  Me: “Hate you? Because I’m taking you to school?” J: “Yes.” Me: “I’m just doing my job.I don’t hate you.  I don’t control the weather.” J: “Well I think that there should be a law that there is no school when the temperature  is under 20 degrees.”  He may have a point but I wonder if he knows just how many days of school he would miss in the winter.  Enough to take away summer vacation I’m sure.

Walking into the kitchen yesterday afternoon Jakob said to me: “Mom have I ever told you how wonderful you make things and how great Christmas is because of you.”  Me: “Trying to get a cookie?” J: “Yep.”  I wish he’d just ask but it wouldn’t be nearly as funny.  He’s my charmer.

We were watching “The Muppet Christmas Carol” as a family the other night.  Toward the end of the movie while Scrooge was pleading with the ghost of Christmas yet to come Lyndsie suddenly yelled at the television, “Oh for pity sake just go look at the tombstone so you can change so you can get on with your life already!!”  She doesn’t like other people’s drama obviously.  Just her own.

My girls were standing with me when one of my friends mentioned that she was getting a kick out of watching my husband and I flirt back and forth via Facebook.  Me: “Well we don’t see each other as much so we have to flirt somewhere.” Lyndsie: “Yeah it’s much better when they are like that on Facebook and not in person.” My friend: “Oh I think it’s sweet your parents still like each other that much.” L: “It is sweet I just don’t like it when they make noises.”  Now I knew what she was talking about (See here if you’d like to know)  but the look on my friend’s face before she said “Umm…T.M.I. Lynds” and the bright shade of purple that my child turned was one of my favorite things all week!

Dear God 9

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Kid Quotes #13

I’m going to start this one off with some nostalgia because my oldest daughter reminded me about it the other day.  About 4 years ago my kids were sitting at the kitchen table while I was finishing up cooking supper.  They had the Disney channel on and this video came on.

Brittnie, my ever practical one who missed the first part of the video, said, “How in the world does someone get squirrels in their pants.”  Jakob, my other practical one who had seen the first part and was a quite innocent age of 6, replied, quite simply, “Nuts.”  Yes…I did think the older kids were going to die but I prevented them from explaining to him why that was so funny.

Brittnie reminded me of that incident because of the following conversation this week.  Lyndsie, age 14, who doesn’t usually enjoy getting hand-me-downs, has been impatiently waiting for her sister to release a sweater that has a really cool matching beanie.  The delay was caused by the loss of said beanie. (Evidently you can’t wear the sweater without it.)  By some miracle the beanie was located this week so Lyndsie was overjoyed.  Brittnie: “I’m warning you that the sweater may not fit around your chest because it’s a girl’s sweater.” I must have shot her a funny look. B: “I mean it’s a little girl’s sweater not a woman’s sweater.”  Me: “Oh – ok. I was trying to figure out why a boy’s sweater would have more room in the chest.”  Lyndsie: “Boy’s pants have more room.” Brittnie and I both shot her a look. L: “I meant through the thighs. Get your minds right people!”

I walked into the room where Jakob was doing homework and Lyndsie was playing chess on the computer. I asked my standard ‘how is the homework going’ question, “Are you winning?”  L: “Are you talking to me?” Me: “No I was asking Jakob about his homework.” J: “I’m winning. She, however, is losing badly.”

Lyndsie, a typical 14-year-old girl, had been a bit argumentative for a few days so I addressed the issue. Me: “Are you about done with this mood?” L: “What do you mean?” Me: “I mean you’ve been arguing with everyone lately.” L: “I have NOT!”  Oh right….my bad.

I walked into the house one day and Jakob, who was sitting with his sister at the table, said, “Mom. Lyndsie thinks you are the best mother in the whole world.”  Immediately suspicious I said, “Uh huh.”  J in a stage whisper: “I don’t think she’s buying it.”

The girls were play-fighting with each other (loudly I might add.) Me: “What is the issue now?” Brittnie started to explain when I interrupted her. Me: “I didn’t actually want to know. I mostly just wanted you to shut up.”  B, pretending to be hurt: “Then why did you ask?”  My husband from our bedroom quoted Bill Cosby: “Parents aren’t interested in justice. They want QUIET!”

Brittnie, who just turned 18 and voted in her first election, noted Wednesday morning, “I can’t believe all the nasty posts on Facebook this morning.  What is wrong with people?” Me: “Well some of them are disappointed and some of them are gloating.  It’s normal. Just ignore it.” B: “So after ‘Decision Tuesday’ comes ‘Whiner Wednesday’?”  She’s pretty astute for an 18-year-old.

Lyndsie was telling us about some “drama” that occurred between two friends at school.  Suddenly Jakob said “And this has what to do with you??”  Some days one of my kids says what I’m thinking. It’s kind of scary.

The girls were singing, loudly and off-key, in the back seat of the car to their Glee CD.  After a while I hit the button to switch it to the radio hoping to quiet them down.  After a moment “Thank you!!!” was heard from the backseat.  Me: “You weren’t enjoying your front row seat for the show Jakob?”  J: “Not really but that’s what happens when you have sisters.”

Jakob was not in the mood for homework so he was finding a hundred other things to do. Me: “Quit messing around and get your homework done.”  J: “How do you know everything?” Me: “I’m a mom and I’ve seen most of this before.” J: “Some days it really stinks being the youngest.”

I was posting some things for sale on a local exchange board on Facebook. (Kind of like an on-line garage sale) Brittnie: “You can’t sell kids on there can you?”  Me: “Keep it up kid, I might try it.”  Later as I was responding to people buying my merchandise she walked through, “Geez Mom. You haven’t sold my bed yet have you?”  She really needs to quit giving me ideas.

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Kid Quotes #12

It occurred to me today that since our weekends have gotten so busy I’ve neglected to post Kid Quotes for a few weeks.  It’s possible that because we’ve been so busy lately I find my kids less amusing. It may be that they are tired and cranky so they are less amusing.  It could also be that I am the tired cranky one. Any of those things are possible.  I’m to busy, tired and cranky to notice. The most likely scenario is that I’ve just been distracted because they are still pretty funny.  So even though its Monday let me catch you up on the craziness at our house the last few weeks. (Well – the craziness I can remember!)

I was dropping 10-year-old Jakob off at school when a pretty little girl smiled and waved at him. Me: “Is she in your class.” J: “Yep.” Me: “Is she nice?” J: “She’s Spanish Mom.” Me: “What does that have to do with whether or not she’s nice?” (I was a little worried I was raising a racist for a moment.) J: “She only speaks Spanish so I don’t know if what she says to me is nice or not.”  OH!  Okay!

14-year-old Lyndsie was lamenting that she didn’t know whether or not she wants to go to culinary school or be a music teacher when she grows up. L: “I like to do both things so I don’t know what to do.”  Her ever helpful 18-year-old sister, Brittnie: “You could do both!  You’ll be like the singing chef only with a trumpet.”  This of course prompted their father to break out his best  Muppets “Swedish Chef” impression. Supper is never quiet at our house…..

Jakob has had a cold for a few weeks.  I have been the ever vigilant mom making sure he is blowing his nose, taking his medicine and checking to make sure he feels okay. One day the conversation went like this:  Me: “Did you blow your nose?” J: “Yeeees Mom.” Me: “Did you take your pill?” J: “Yeeeeees mom.” Me: “Are you sure you feel okay?” J: “Mom! YES!”  Me: “Hey! I’m a mom. It’s my job to worry and nag.” J: “Yeah.  You’re really good at your job.”

Lyndsie, being 14, was bemoaning all that is wrong in the world. Me: “Do you like anything?” L: “Sure.” pause…thinking…”I like ice cream.”  That’s all she could come up with? I’d better stock up!

Brittnie while studying her AP Lit & Comp was reading to me her exciting assignment all about reading essays. As she finished the paragraph, in her most animated voice: “I’m sure some day I will find the perfect man who will appreciate my joyous appreciation for essays.”  Huh?  The kid needs to get out of the classroom for a while.

21-year-old Erik came home for fall break.  As his baby brother launched himself at him for a hug he said, “Holy height! When did he get this tall?”  A little while later Jakob was taking off his shoes. E: “Holy foot! What size is he wearing?”  Because this was still on his mind the next day the following conversation happened. E: “Just remember that even if you get taller than me I will still be the big brother and I will be trained to have the tactics to take you down.” J: “If I keep playing football I’ll have the tactics to take you down too.” Me: “Be careful Jakob.  He’ll have a stun gun.” E: “Yeah and a 9 mm pistol.” Me: “You will NOT point a pistol at your little brother!” E: “I will if he’s a breaks a law and I have to chase him down.” J: “Good thing to remember.”  Boys….sigh….

On the same trip we passed a “classic” mustang.  J: “What does classic mean anyway?”  Me: “Old.  I’m going to start making you guys call me classic instead of old.” E: “Mom you aren’t that old.” J: “Yeah Mom you aren’t old.”  Then on a stage whisper to his big brother: “Where are we going with this?”

Jakob: “Back in the day I used to like….” interrupted by Erik: “Back in the day??”  Me, laughing: “You sound like an old man.” J: “Well I meant 4 or 5 years ago.” E: “Boy your day hasn’t even started yet!”

His sisters were giving Erik a hard time about hygiene. E: “I shower every day thank you very much.” B: “Soooo….it’s just when you come home you don’t shower?” 

The girls came home from a band trip and told us about the ride home. Apparently the kids they were riding with were telling scary stories. L: “Yeah! Ask Brittnie what her scary story was!” Me: “Ok. What was your scary story?” B:” One day a long time ago I asked for a puppy and my parents brought home Lyndsie. The End.” (I must pause here to note that I really did think their older brother was going to die from laughing so hard.) L: “See? Do you people see what I have to put up with all the time??” (I have mentioned she’s the dramatic one?) Me: “Yes you poor oppressed child.  I don’t know how you’ve taken it all these years. I shall beat your older siblings immediately.” L: (fake hurt voice) “Thank you.”  B: “If you’d have bought me that puppy we wouldn’t have these issues.” 

We are in the process of cleaning out the shed in the back.  Brittnie came home for lunch when her Dad was hauling stuff out.  Me: “Look Britti!  There’s your old pink Barbie bike….and your inline skates….and your Barbie car…sniff….sniff…” B: “Are you going to be like this about everything until we move?” Me: “Probably.” B: “Oh joy!”  She’s such a stink.

Brittnie was telling me how the band director told she and Lyndsie it was weird that they get along so well. Me: “I guess it is a little unusal for siblings to get a long as well as you guys do.” B: “I guess I just figured not getting along wasn’t an option around here.”  Smart girl.

Watching Jakob’s football game on Sunday Erik noted that his hand slipped up while he was blocking .  E: “Got him in the jugular. Atta boy!” Me: “Is that legal?” E: “Sure it’s legal.” pause “As long as you don’t squeeze.”  Oh boy….

That’s about all I can remember off the top of my head.  I’m sure some more will come back to me later. Hopefully I’ll remember to get them into draft form this time around.  If nothing else we are taking a road trip to have family pictures taken tomorrow before Erik returns to college.  Bet your life that that ride will be enough to fill next week’s blog by itself.  My kids are at their best when they are all together!

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Kid Quotes #11

After checking the forecast Monday morning I said to Jakob, “Pants today. It’s going to be chilly.” J: “I wear pants every day.”

While I was doing laundry Jakob was standing nearby talking to me.  I was hanging up his football pants to dry when the hanger slipped out and they fell to the floor. J: “Geez Mom. Throw my pants.  You’re fired.” Me: “Great! Do your own laundry and cook for yourself.” J: “Never mind. I’ll fire you after I get married.”

Getting ready to Jakob to football practice. Me: “You don’t need to wear your helmet in the car. It kind of makes it look like I’m an unsafe driver.” Brittnie: “Yeah. You only need to do that when I drive you to practice.”

Brittnie was telling me about a choral leadership speaker at school who was talking to them about proper posture while singing.  She told them “Do not lead with your uterus.” Apparently the two boys my daughter was standing near found that quite funny so Brittnie told them that they shouldn’t lead from that area either. Me: “That’s a good life lesson really. If you don’t lead from that area then no one can get into trouble.” B: “Mother!  Ok. That was funny.”

Brittnie was doing her homework one night when I walked in and turned on the ceiling fan in the kitchen. B: “You blowing my papers Mom.” Me: “Oh sorry. Guess it’s hard to do homework when it’s blowing around.” B: “Wait. Can we turn that thing up?”

This week was Homecoming at the public schools. Neither of my daughters will be attending the dance. Brittnie, a senior, to Lyndsie, a freshman: “The homecoming is way overrated. You spend all this money and think it’s going to be magical and it really isn’t.” L: “Ok but I would have liked to discover that myself.”

The girls were upstairs getting ready for school one morning when Lyndsie walked down all smiles. Me: “My you are chipper today!” L: “One of us has to be.” Me: “Are you trying to tell me something?” L: “Just consider it a warning.”

The girls were watching “Mulan” one afternoon when Lyndsie suddenly asked: “I never have figured out what was wrong with her dad so he couldn’t fight.” Me (staring at her incredulously): “Ummm…he has a cane.” L: “So what? That could be for lots of things.” B: “Right Lynds. He has a broken nose.”

Driving the kids home one evening they were all talking at once. Me: “My ears are getting tired.” J: “Maybe they need more exercise.”

I asked Jakob one evening if he had homework. “No. Well I just have to study for a test.” Me: “Soooooo….you DO have homework.” J: “No I just need to read the story again.” Me: “And that isn’t homework?” J:”Well…if you want to be technical.”

Apparently I forgot to leave the side door to our garage unlocked so Jakob could get in the house after school one afternoon. Thankfully his sisters were home to let him in. I apologized and said, “When you can prove that you are more responsible about keeping track of things then we can just give you a key to that door.” J: “You mean keeping track of things like remembering to unlock the door for your kid?”

Sitting at the table this morning I was talking to my parents (who are visiting) about supper. Me: “I think I’ll just put that roast in a dutch oven and do it in the oven.” Brittnie: “What’s a dutch oven?” Me: “It’s the big pot.” She had a funny look on her face. Me :”The one I cook spaghetti in.” B: “OH! I thought that was just called a big pot.”

 

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Kid Quotes #10

This week I am going to start with a few of the incredibly sweet things that my kids said to me this week.  Things that made my eyes “sweat”.  Tuesday was my birthday. I have never been one to make a big deal about my birthday but I have spent the last 11 years really down playing it for obvious reasons.  It just has seemed wrong to celebrate when so many people are hurting on that day.  This year Jakob, who wasn’t even born yet in 2001, looked at me and said, “Mom what those guys did was mean and horrible. It was a bad day.  But you let them keep stealing your birthday. It’s like they still win.”  Pretty profound for a ten-year-old. At dinner that night Brittnie was asked to say the blessing.  Part of it went like this: “Thank you for Mom today and just let her know how awesome she is and how much we love her.”  I wonder if she knows how awesome she is?

Okay…back to the usual silliness of our family!

I was explaining to our oldest, Erik, about the funny shift his dad is working for the next two weeks.  They are in a planned “outage” where he works so I was repeating the details my husband told me. Erik finally said to me, “Mom the fact that you remembered all that and can repeat it either scares or impresses me.”

Jakob and I were watching a football game on tv. Somehow we got on the subject of my kids not being intimidated by me at all. Me: “I’m scarier than you think!” J: “Mom you are about as scary as that bear.” He pointed at the tv. There was a Snuggle commercial on.

On a different night I jokingly threatened Lyndsie. L: “You don’t scare me!” Me: “That’s because you don’t have car keys yet.” L: “You won’t scare me then either.” Me: “Keep it up and you won’t ever get car keys.” Jakob: “I think she’s serious.  Quit now or start saving for a bike.”

One after noon I met the girls as they came in the house after school. “Please take your laundry out of the basket and put it away.” L: “Laundry in the basket?” Me: “Yes. Your laundry that has been in the basket all week. You know. The basket I can no longer lift because it is so full?” Brittnie: “Wow. You must have really wimpy arms.” Me: “Do you have a death wish?” B: “Then my laundry won’t get put away.”  Some days its better to just walk away.

I called to the girls who were napping in the living room that dinner was ready. Jakob: “They are probably both dead asleep.” Brittnie walked in. Me: “There’s one.  I think I just saw the other one’s arm move.” J: “Or she’s having a seizure.”

My lippy 14-year-old had pushed me enough so I gave her a ‘look’. Lyndsie: “Don’t hit me!” Me: “When have I ever hit you?” L: “That isn’t the point. You could start.”  Keep it up. I might!

I was at the computer while the girls were watching TV. Suddenly I heard, “I’ll blow your head off!”  Me: “What are you two watching?” Brittnie: “Criminal Minds.  What other show do we watch where people’s heads get blown off?”  I think that makes me feel better.

Jakob: “I have the super mario song from my game stuck in my head.” Brittnie: “Let me help!” She started singing “The Final Countdown”.  Yep. They’re my kids!!

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Kid Quotes #9

Jakob: “Don’t hit me.” Lyndsie “I’m just getting my homework.” J: “Well your hand was awfully close to my face.” L:”Like I would hit you with Mom standing there.” Me: “You’d better not hit him when Mom isn’t standing there.” J: “She’s never hit me….in the face.” L: “Because hitting you in the face would hurt.” Me: “No hitting anywhere else either.” L: “Fine. I’ll just hit him in my mind.”  Yes, ‘I’m hitting you in my mind’ has become the new phrase this week.

My kids were being obnoxious one afternoon. Me to my husband (jokingly of course): “Could you just kill them for me?” His reply: “We’re not going to kill anyone.” Me: “Why not.” Jakob: “Because we’re precious.”  Yeah.  We’ll go with that.

Got a text from Brittnie while she was waiting for Jakob to finish football practice: “He’s so cute. He just killed this little kid.”  That’s just what a mom wants to hear. Dad’s response: “Good!”  Sigh…..

Brittnie was hard at work at our dining room table. Me: “What are you working on?’ B: “Nomenclature.” From the living room, my husband, “Gesundheit!” Me: “What?” B: “AP Chem. It’s a fancy word for naming chemical compounds.” Me: “Why don’t you just say ‘naming chemical compounds’?” B: “Because using the word ‘nomenclature’ just makes you feel so smart.  You should try it: nomenclature, nomenclature, nomenclature….”  Me: “There is something wrong with you.” My husband from the living room, “Yeah….but it’s gonna pay for college!”

I was so tired one night that I think I actually scared my children. Lyndsie looked at me and said, “Mom why don’t you just go to bed?” Me: “Because it’s 7pm and I’m not that old yet.”  She shot me a funny look. Me: “What?” L: “I’m trying to figure out what to say next that isn’t going to get me killed.”  Smart girl….

Jakob asked Brittnie to help him with his lunch.  She started and he walked out of the kitchen. B: “What do I look like a maid?” Me: “What did you say?” B: “I was talking to Jakob.” Me: “You didn’t really just say that did you? In front of me?” B: “Nope. You’re hearing things.” She catches on quickly.

Lyndsie reported that she didn’t think her science test went as well as it could have. She thought she missed two questions. I was teasing her: “Oh dear!  Do we need to lock you up in your room until you have all 100’s?” She pointed at her sister: “Remember which kid you are talking to? I don’t do perfect grades.”  Um…yeah…obviously. That’s why she was worried about not knowing for sure she got two questions right.

Brittnie and Lyndsie watched a movie. I wouldn’t watch it with them because I haven’t read the book yet. Me: “I have a rule. I want to read the book first so that when I do read the book the movie doesn’t ruin it for me.”  They accepted that. After they movie they came upstairs and Brittnie announced, “I have a new movie rule. The hot guys can’t die! It ruins the whole movie.”  Ah!  That’s why she doesn’t like ‘Titanic’.

Jakob asked this morning where Brittnie was. I was not quite coherent yet so I simply replied, “ACT”  J: “I thought musical practice was during the week.” Me: “It is. She’s taking the A.C.T. test.” J: “She already has a part. Why does she need to take an acting test.” Me: “No. It’s called the A….C….T. It isn’t an acting test.” J: “Well then why do they spell it that way?”  Me: “The letters stand for ‘American College Test’. It’s the test that helps you go to college.” J: “Oh. I hope she flunks!”  He really doesn’t like his older siblings leaving home.

Jakob’s spelling lists the last few weeks have all been homophones. This week on the list was “Fir/Fur”.  J: “What the heck is a fir tree?” I pointed to one in our yard. J: “Isn’t that called an evergreen?” Me: “Yep. Fir is another name for it.” J: “Well that’s just dumb.  Why does it need two names?”  Good question son.  Good question.

I spent my afternoon off doing some baking.  Jakob walked in after school and asked, “What smells good?” Me: “Chocolate chip pumpkin bread.” J: “You are the best mom in the whole world!” Me: “Because I bake bread for you?” J: “Well it helps!”  Have I mentioned he’s honest? Too honest….

The girls came home Friday afternoon and immediately grabbed their blankets to head to the family room for a nap. J: “What is with you two? The first thing you do every Friday is take a nap.” Brittnie: “That’s because God created Friday and Sunday afternoons for naps.”  Girl after my own heart!

I sent Jakob down later. Me: “Would you please go down, wake your sisters and tell them supper is ready.” J: “Okay but I might not come back alive.” Me: “Tell them its pizza. That might help.” J: “I doubt it.  If I’m not back in 5 minutes come save me!”  He came back and reported, “They’re coming but I got growled at.” Me: “Well that isn’t too bad.” J:”Yeah. I stood far enough away they couldn’t reach me.”  Smart boy.

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Kid Quotes #8

I am starting this week with a few quotes from my mother.  I’m her kid so it works, right?  Actually I am just trying to prove that I come by my humor fairly honestly. My mom is a funny lady.  You have to have a sense of humor to have put up with me all these years.  She’s also a saint.  A funny saint….yep…that’s my mom.  I try to check in with her every few days.  A few weeks ago I called to see how her doctor’s appointment went.  She said, “It’s a miracle. My doctor told me something I never thought I’d hear in my life.” Curious I asked her what he’s said. “Well.” she said, “He told me he didn’t want me to lose any more weight.  I asked him if he would record that.”  See? Funny woman.

In another conversation she told me that the night before she had been awoken in the middle of the night by a horrible sound coming from their porch area. “It scared me to death.  I looked over and of course there was your father snoring away so I flopped around a little until he woke up and then I said, ‘Oh! Did that noise wake you too?’ ”  Apparently a cat had gotten shut in the outside closet near my parent’s porch. Daddy rescued the cat and Mom.  The funniest part of this whole thing is that when I was telling my husband the part about mom flopping around to wake Daddy up he said, “uh-huh.”  I looked at him and said, “What? You know I do that??” He smiled at me. “Uh-huh.”  Oops. Busted!

Okay – on to my silly children this week.

Brittnie turned 18 on Friday. A few days before her birthday her father was talking about how pregnant I was and how hot it had been that summer.  She was due on August 17th according to the doctor and August 7th according to my calculations. No ultra sound so no one was listening to me. She arrived August 31st and was BY FAR our biggest baby. She’d even lost some weight because she was so overdue.  My husband said, “About this time 18 years ago your mom thought she was going to be pregnant the rest of her life and that we’d moved to the surface of the sun.” Me: “Yeah. That wasn’t the most fun summer I remember.” Brittnie: “Sorry Mom.” Me: “You were worth every extra day.”  Jakob: “Awww….that’s so….sickening.”

Brittnie: “If I don’t get a drink of water I am seriously going to die.”  Jakob: “Has it been four days?” He remembers the most obscure facts from health class.

Discussing a lesson with Brittnie we came to a question about life insurance. B: “Do you guys have life insurance?”  Me: “Dad has more than I do.  His is worth about $(undisclosed amount).” B: “That would be nice.” short pause  “Oh. Wait.”  Me: “Uh yeah. I’d rather have your father around thanks.”

Jakob came home from his first day of being a crossing guard. Me: “How did it go?” J: “Good, except the wind kept blowing my sign around and I looked like I was dancing in the street.” Me: “Well dancing in the street is a happy thing right?” J: “Mom! This is a serious job!”  Oh sorry.  My mistake!

Jakob and Lyndsie were working in the kitchen making lunches.  I thought I heard the beginning of bickering so I called from the other room, “Hey you two!”  L: “What? We are just talking.” Me: “Are you sure because it sounded like the start of a fight.”  J: “Mom our fighting voices are louder.”  Good point.

I pulled a mostly empty ice cube tray out of the freezer. Me: “Ok the next kid who puts the ice cube tray back in the freezer with 4 ice cubes left in it is going to get my foot up their fanny.” Jakob: “Isn’t that a bit extreme?” Me: “Well it drives me crazy.” J: “Yeah I guessed that.  By the way, can you even kick that high?”  He thinks he’s really smart now that he’s as tall as me.

Sitting at the football game Friday night there were some loud and rather obnoxious kids sitting near us.  Jakob looked at me and said, “If I ever act like that you have my permission to kill me.”

Brittnie had some friends over after the game to celebrate her birthday.  The next morning Lyndsie, “I was being good. I was being quiet. I was being ‘have. I tried really hard not to bother Britti and her friends last night.” B: “You did good Bug. Not too obnoxious at all. Couldn’t even tell you were a freshman.”  I think that’s a compliment.  It’s so hard to tell with sisters sometimes.

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Kid Quotes #7

Jakob and I were “negotiating” a chore in exchange for something you want deal. When both of us were satisfied with the terms I stuck out my hand and said, “Deal?”  He said, “I like hugs better Mom.”  Yep.  He’s still my little schmoozer.

Trying to get our kids adjusted to school schedules has been a process.  One night as I was chasing Jakob to bed he said, “I just don’t feel like I’ve spent enough time with you today Mom.  You are so fun to be around.” Me: “Jakob are you trying to get me to let you stay up later?” J: “Maaaaybe.” Me: “It isn’t going to work.” J: “It was worth a shot.”  Told you he was a schmoozer.

Brittnie was working on homework from one of her 3 AP classes this year and filling me in on her busy schedule for the next few weeks. Me: “What? You don’t have an overacheivers meeting this week?” B: “They closed that club at our school. I’m thinking of re-starting it though.”

Both girls were bickering about something silly. Jakob walked into the kitchen where I was and informed me, “Mom you don’t want to go in there. Trust me.”

Jakob was showering when suddenly we heard him blowing water out of his mouth. Me: “Was that Jakob?”  both girls, giggling, “Yes.” Me: “Did he just sound like a porpoise or was it just me?” B: “You don’t thing he’s developed a blow-hole in his back do you??”   Me: “Apparently he already has one.”  L: “Eeeeeewwwwwww! Mom!” Yeah. I wasn’t talking about what she thought I was talking about.

Jakob and Lyndsie were giving each other a hard time when it started to get a little more vicious. Me: “Let’s use our kind words children!” (Using my best Barney impression of course) J: “Those ARE our kind words!” Me: “Then you need to find new ones.” L: “Sorry. How about, ‘You are without intelligence.’ Is that better?”  Well at least it sidetracked them for a moment right?

Brittnie, who does not have a twitter account, found out that one of her “friends” had tweeted some not so nice things about her knowing that she wouldn’t see them.  Well she did. And she wasn’t happy. Me: “Sticks and stones may break your bones but tweets can never hurt you.” B: “Right. Tell that to Gabby Douglas.”

Every day after school Jakob asks me what we are having for dinner. When I tell him and it is something he likes he says, “Yeeeessssss!” in a quiet hiss-like voice.  One afternoon he didn’t do that. Me: “What? No yeeessssss today? You don’t like what we’re having?” J: “You can’t nail it every day Mom.”

Yesterday was a rough day at our house. Brittnie got a part in the musical at the high school, Lyndsie did not. One daughter excited, one daughter crying.  Brittnie, who worked right after school until 10pm, arrived home with cheesecake for her little sister. Hugging her she said, “Here Bugs. Nothing is so bad that cheesecake can’t fix it.” Sweet. And so true.

After the cheesecake as we were talking Brittnie was trying to downplay her part. “Think about it. I got the ‘anyone can do this part so let’s give it to a poor senior who has never gotten a line’ part. It just means I won the butt-kissing contest.” Me: “Brittnie quit downplaying your part. We’re excited for you. Lyndsie is excited for you, she’s just sad she doesn’t get to be in it with you. She loves you you know.” L: “Mom! You aren’t supposed to tell her that! It’s a secret!”  Yeah. She was feeling better by that time.  Must have been the cheesecake.

Going to bed last night Brittnie asked if we had anything to do this morning or if she could sleep in. Me: “Define sleep in.” From the living room, Jakob: “One?” Me: “Uh no. That’s a little late don’t you think?” J: “You said define it not tell you what time we wanted to sleep until.”  Caught by my own words….again.  They are masters at it.

 

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Kids Quotes #6

Last weekend as we sat together watching the closing ceremonies our children were in rare form.  I should I have known I was in trouble when 17-year-old Brittnie called to me, “Mom! Hurry! You don’t want to miss this.  They are sure to have some of those lame 80’s people you love so much!”

As George Michael began to perform our 14-year-old, Lyndsie, asked, “Now who is this?” My husband replied, “George Michael. He was quite popular.”  B: “Really?  Just goes to show you that anyone can become a superstar.” Later in the show when the Spice Girls were riding around on top of their cars I looked at her and said, “Who proves that anyone can be a superstar??”  B: “Touche.” Meanwhile my husband said, “Is that one wearing a cape?  Who is that? Bat-spice?”  10-year-old Jakob: “Batman doesn’t have a cape Dad.”

Things took an ugly turn when they began “Staying Alive” without the Bee Gees though it was understandable considering the recent death of one of the brothers. My husband, a huge Bee Gee fan, was not saying too much until the guy started rapping. “How do you RAP ‘Staying Alive’??” Jakob: “Like that.”

I totally lost it when they had that Jessie person (whose costume scared me quite honestly) sing “We Will Rock You”. Me: “I’m sorry but this isn’t ‘We Will Rock You’. This is a bad imitation, Who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to do this without the original lead singer of “Queen’ there?” Brittnie: “Give ’em a break Mom.  He’s probably still in rehab.”

The next night my daughters were still in rare form.  Brittnie went upstairs to get something before the two of them went downstairs to watch a movie together.  Lyndsie: “Hurry up pokey!” Brittnie: “Hold your horses!” L: “Did you just say ‘hold your muffins’??” B: “No! I said hold your Hoooorrrrsssseeees.” L: “PRONUNCIATION please!” Me: “How do you mispronounce ‘horses’ so it sounds like ‘muffins’??” L: “Ummmm…..”  A new phrase has been born at our home.  Now my kids all say, “Hold your horse muffins!”

The kids were comparing their freckles. L: “I win the freckle war. There’s a bonus for being the only one who doesn’t tan.” Me, holding out my very freckled arm: “Who wins the freckle war?”  B: “Are those all freckles Mom?” Me: “What else would they be?”  She gave me a sheepish look. Me: “Were you just about to say age spots!?” B: “Depends. Would that make you mad?”

The next day Brittnie showed up at my office with a Scooter’s smoothie. Me: “What’s up with this? Did you do something?” B: “No. I just thought you needed a treat.” Me: “You aren’t sucking up?” B: “Do I need too?” Me: “Not that I’m aware of. This does make up for the age spot thing though.” B: “Mocha fixes everything.”

Taking Lyndsie to her first day as a freshman she was pretty nervous. Me: “You’ll be fine. You were scared of the Junior High too and you did just fine remember?” L: “But there are big people here who could eat me!” Me: “They won’t be there today. Today is just freshman and new students remember?”  L: “Oh. Right.” pause “You mean I need to be nervous again TOMORROW??” I have mentioned she’s our drama queen right?

After dropping her off Jakob and I headed to his school. Me: “Do you want me to walk you over to the playground to find your line.” J: “Mom…NO! I’m not in Kindergarten!” Me (pretending to sniffle): “You let me walk you in first grade too. Don’t you need me now that you are a fourth grader?”  J: “Of course I need you. You pack my lunch.”  Nice to know my place!

I baked cookies on my afternoon off so they would be warm when the kids got home from school. Jakob walked into the kitchen: “I love you Mom!” Me: “Because I make you cookies?” J: “Well that helps!”

We picked up Jakob’s equipment for football. This is his second year playing tackle and he was so excited. Driving home he told me, “I am ready to HIT some people!”  Great. Just what a mother wants to hear!

I was picking on Lyndsie. She looked at me and said her new phrase, “Come at me bro!” Me: “Did you just call me bro?” L: “Not really. It’s a saying.” Me: “Then you don’t really want me to come at you either?” L: “Well no! I’m not stupid!”

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