This Week’s Headlines #12

Between the busy week with family and catching the most horrendous case of the 24 hour stomach flu I’ve had in history I haven’t had a lot of time to browse the news this week. Please forgive me if these aren’t as snappy as usual, I’m doing my best here….

1. “Brady’s Trash Talk Backfires After The Game” – Thumper’s dad was right. “If you can’t say anything nice…..”
2. “Bike Thief’s Apology Note” – Well as long as you say your sorry when you steal something…..
3. “How To Avoid DIY Disasters” – Hire contractors?
4. “Woman Finds A New ‘Soul Mate’ Every Month” – Seriously? Every month?  How many souls does this woman have? Oh…wait….apparently none…..
5. “Foods That Can Make You Grumpy” – Brussel sprouts spring to mind.
6. “Test Drive Retirement” –  Where do I sign up for that?  Are there different dealerships that sell retirement?
7. “Cheap Kitchen Renovations” – See #3.  Cheap and Kitchen should NOT be in the same sentence….just saying.
8. “Does Political Ad Bombardment Work” – Depends on what you are trying to accomplish.  If the goal is to annoy the snot out of me its working great!
9. “World’s Most Expensive Cocktail Will Set You Back $8,824.” – I’m assuming only people who have already consumed several hundred dollars worth of cocktails would order that.
10. “Prom Photos To Forget” – All of them?  Seriously – does anyone look at those 10 years later and think, “Wow! I look GREAT!”
11. “Baffling Disappearance Of Giant Pumpkin” – More baffling: where does one hide it after you stole it?  The neighbors didn’t notice that 300 pound pumpkin that just appeared in your yard? Really?
12. “Buy An Engagement Ring, Get A Free Gun” – Handy for those shotgun weddings. 
13. “Body Paint Gone Very Wrong” – There is body paint that goes right?
14. “Student Returns Check For Half-Billion Dollars” – Very honest and admirable but does anyone seriously think a bank would have cashed that?
15. “Duo Builds Batcave Out Of 20,000 Lego Pieces” – What do you do with a Lego batcave? Get a hobby. Oh…wait….
16. “Actress Dresses In Trashy Ensemble” – This is news?
17. “New Technique To Catch Texting Drivers” – Here’s a thought: follow them. You’ll figure it out.
18. “Hi-tech Costume Puts A Hole In Your Chest” – I hope they mean a “virtual hole” otherwise I think we need to recall this puppy.
19. “Pudgy Pet Treadmills” –  Your dog needs a treadmill because you can’t take him for a walk? More like treadmills for pudgy pet owners.
20. “Bomb Shelter Of Your Dreams” – I don’t usually dream about the apocalypse but okay……
21. “When High Heels Become Hazardous” – The moment  you put them on your feet?
22. “What Yoga Does For Guys” – Watching it or actually doing it?
23. “Star: ‘I Don’t Like Wearing Underwear'” – Thanks for sharing? TMI! I don’t want to hear any more complaints for you about obtrusive media….
24. “Does Waiting In Line Drive You Crazy? Here’s Why” – Really you think you need to tell me why it drives me crazy?  Follow up story: ‘Why stupid articles make you want to scream’
25. “Man Wins $30 Million Lottery After Losing Girlfriend” – Bet he finds a new girlfriend rather quickly…..