This Week’s Headlines #28

After our fun-filled adventure to north western Nebraska, my husband and I re-packed and loaded up my faithful Ford Escape to journey southeast yesterday.  I am blogging today from the little house on Grandpa’s farm which will be our temporary new home in less than a month. Let the cleaning, organizing and the like begin!  After I rest from being on the road so much. Despite logging lots of miles in our vehicles this week I was still able to find some gems to share.  That might have something to do with the fact that there is little else to do while trapped in a car than play on your smart phone.  Here are a few that caught my well-traveled eye:

1. “Man Lives With Wolves” – Didn’t Kipling already write this?  And then Disney made it into a movie?
2. “Funeral Procession Takes Fast Food Detour” – I guess the cemetery was far away?  Saved the church ladies some work anyway.
3. “Where Not Do Die In 2012” – I’d prefer “anywhere”.
4. “Valuable Whale Vomit” – Valuable to whom?  And how does anyone know it came from a whale?  Wait….I don’t want to know.
5. “Cheetos Lead To Robber”  – You’d think you’d know to lick that orange stuff off of your fingers.
6. “House Boasts Very Strange Baby Trend” – Is that supposed to be a selling point?
7. “The Big Fear Of Automakers” – We’ll figure out that we really don’t need our cars to make phone calls for us?
8. “Are You Running The Wrong Way” – Most of the time.  Thanks for asking.
9. “Scare As Pilot Passes Out During Flight” – yeah…that’d do it.
10. “Castle Homes Available To Buy” – For those who honestly think they are royalty.  Wonder if they come with ladies in waiting?
11. “Woman Goes On Test Drive, Robs Bank” – So she could buy the car?
12. “Underground Dentist Takes Defiant Stance” – I’d rather he take classes at the dental school.
13. “Identity Theft And Your Child” – You mean if someone steals my identity they have to take my kids?  Hmmm….
14. “Oldest Crabs Found” – Now that isn’t even nice.  We’ll see how happy you people are when you get older.
15. “Giggling Woman Flips Judge The Bird, Judge Not Amused” – I’d guess not.  How do I just know she was in there on drug charges?
16. “How People Are Judging You” – Unfairly most of the time.
17. “Three Tips To Beat Rising Gas Prices” – #1 Walk….#2 Buy a Bike….
18. “Report: Mom Steals Son’s Letter Of Intent” – Now they are going to notice that she’s too old to play college football.
19. “Who Gets The Armrests On A Crowded Plane” – The one with the biggest arms?
20. “Vodka Monument Toppled” – Sounds like someone’s party got out of hand.

Speaking of things getting out of hand: this is one tough church…..

photo credit: http://www.uselesshumor.com

Happy Friday Everyone!!

Predictions For The New Year

photo credt:www.fbca.org

The new year has been rung in and replacing the “Year In Review” articles flooding my internet news browser are the “What Will 2013 Bring?” articles. Yesterday and today I have seen all sorts of predictions based on what the scientists and “experts” think is headed our way in the coming year. They want us to be informed. Really.  One of my friends posted this article  on social media which prompted an in-depth conversation about the upcoming spike in milk prices.  More accurately: the possibility of a spike in milk prices.  There is nothing like a good old foreboding article written by a doomsday-er prematurely to start a lively discussion about how bad things are going to get.  Not only were we headed over the fiscal cliff, a dairy cliff loomed as well and the predictions were that no deal would be reached on either proposal.    I am happy to report that all my lactose tolerant friends can breathe a sigh of relief.  The dairy price problem has been fixed.  So was the other one. Sort of. Despite the predictions to the contrary. Yeah…..maybe predictions aren’t so scientific.  Or needed.  With that in mind I decided to throw out a few predictions of my own.  Yes I know it’s already the second day of the year and I’m a day behind  but, hey, better late to predict than never right??  I promise not to predict anything about yesterday.  That would be cheating.

My Predictions For 2013

1. The sun will rise and set every day this year.  You may not be able to see it through the clouds, but it will still be rising and setting. “Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing.” (Thank you “The Santa Clause”)
2. People will continue to invent revolutionary products and sell them to us for a low low price on television. They will even double our order if we call now.  I know this seems like a bold prediction in light such breakthroughs as  “The Ear Vac” and The Lint Lizard, but someone will come up with something even better than a tiny vacuum for ear wax and lint.
3. The earth will continue to rotate on its axis.  Whether portions of it will be warmer of not I will not say but I guarantee you it will still be spinning and orbiting.  No wonder I get motion sickness so easily.
4. There will be at least five new reality television series started this year.  That’s probably a pretty low prediction if you think about it.  Somewhere producers will find more people who make us feel better about ourselves by the mere fact that we aren’t as crazy as those people on television.  They’ll keep making them and we’ll keep watching them. (Note: that is the imperial “we”. I’m not implying that any of my friends and fellow bloggers would watch reality TV.)
5. There will be a new heir to the throne born in Great Britain. There will also be a new Kardasian and Simpson.  (Yes – I’m cheating. So what? If you think about it all I am really doing is looking at “indicators” available to me.)
6. People will continue to post, bicker and fight with each other over political and social views on social media sites. Thank goodness for the “hide” button.
7. Somewhere in the midst of our packing and moving this year I will teeter close to a nervous break-down. I know this because it almost happened while putting away Christmas decorations this past weekend.  I can hardly wait until we get to the “main event.”
8. Posting the fat and calorie content of each food item will not prevent more McDonald’s restaurants from opening this year.
9. My daughter will graduate from high school and I will get weepy.  (Like money in the bank, that prediction.)
10.  Apple will come out with at least two new versions of the iPhone.  (If sales are low – three versions.) And there will still be people waiting in line to get them.

There you have them.  My top ten predictions for the upcoming year.  I can hardly wait until this time next year to see how many of them come true.  I’m sure I’ll still be running a day behind next year too.  As much as things change over the course of the year some things are always predictable.

photo credit: http://www.buzzom.com

This Week’s Headlines #19

In case you have been in a coma this week you might want to know that there is a fiscal cliff coming.  I know because every news outlet on the planet is beating it to death  reporting about it.  Seriously. Every one of them. While you were unable to see communication from the outside world you may have also missed that the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant. If you are interested there are about a zillion articles speculating what she will wear, what the child will be named and look like…..  Yeah.  We are an obsessive people aren’t we?

It took some cliff scaling and negotiating through royal morning sickness but here are my favorite headlines from this week:

1.  “Little Secrets From Top Physicians” – That Kleenex really doesn’t cost them $20.
2. “Slow Start For Windows 8” – Well no wonder it isn’t selling.
3. “Baby Girl Named Hashtag” – Some people should not be allowed to be parents.
4. “How Treadmills Mislead You” – Mislead you?  You didn’t really think you were going to get anywhere did you?
5. “The Pope Has Not Banned Christmas” – Good to know.  Wait!  The pope can ban Christmas? Why would he do that?  Isn’t that like a really big day for him?
6. “Mustache Transplant Trend” – From wife to husband?
7. “Secretly Healthy Cookies” – Now you know they aren’t any good.  Why do we keep trying to make unhealthy things healthy? They aren’t ‘just as good” – ever!
8. “What Your Cable Company Won’t Tell You” – ‘Yes.  We are overcharging you.’
9. “Restaurant’s Location May Gross You Out” – Who was their location scout? Did you pay him??
10. “Meals For Your Inner Child” – Sorry but my outer adult doesn’t need the calories.
11. “Is Murder Contagious?” – Oh my word! Seriously??  ‘I can’t come to work today I’m feeling a little murderous and I don’t want anyone else to catch it.’  Vaccine makers are going to love this!
12. “What The Royal Baby Won’t Be Named” – Hashtag.
13. “What Is The Longest Road In The U.S.? ” – The one you are on when you have to pee.
14. “Five Worst Holiday Spending Mistakes” – Any stuffed item that dances and sings a Christmas song.  They aren’t cute. Nobody wants them.  Leave them on the shelf!
15. “Warren Buffet’s Habits” – Making money?
16. “Ten Things You Should Never Do When Leaving A Job” – #1: Open fire…..
17. “Doctor’s Discover Fluid Leaking From Woman’s Nose Was From Her Brain” – Anyone else scared to blow their nose now??
18. “Make A Truce With Food” – I’ve already all out surrendered thanks.
19. “Why Americans Need To Have More Babies” – Don’t look at me – I’ve done my part.
20. “Snooki’s Baby Advice For Kate Middleton” – I know that she thinks she is a princess but is she serious?  Is she offering maternity fashion advice too because we all saw how well that went.   Wow.  That’s all I got….wow!

Try to read this without getting lost at least once:

This Week’s Headlines #15

I was so looking forward to the election ending this week. I thought there would be way fewer political headlines and  more fun things to find.  I forgot about the fact that we are going to have to analyze everything to death. Then we must predict what is going to happen now that the election is over.  After that we will talk about how what we thought would happen really did or didn’t happen after all.  It’s never ending really. In the midst of the still churning political headlines I saw an article about “Post-election Depression.”  Seems many people will be depressed because they have spent so much time anticipating the election they will now feel let down that it is over.  Really?  It isn’t over.  It’s just being presented in a new form.

I’ll start off with one “political” headline that I found interesting.

1. “Virginia Cat Gets Thousands Of Votes In Senate Race” – Much more creative than writing in Mickey Mouse.
2. “The Best Age To Be Single And Dating” – I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess any age over 16.
3. “When To Refuse Your Year-End Bonus” – Isn’t there a saying about a gift horse.?
4. “What Workers Want Most” – Days off.
5. “How Facebook Could Be Making You Fat” – Now we’re blaming Facebook?  How about ‘How Facebook is the new excuse for being fat’? Get up from the computer and jog….come one people. Facebook is totally mobile.
6. “Unusual Places To Pick Up A Date” –  Probation office springs to mind.
7. “Kitchen Must-Haves” –   Aside from a stove, refrigerator and sink which distinguish the kitchen from any other room in the house, define ‘must have’.
8. “New Workout Lets You Hit All Muscles In Five Minutes” – and the heating pad for twenty….
9. “What To Know To Start Your Black Friday Preparations” – People are insane.
10. “Glow In The Dark Roads” – Handy for those people without headlights.
11. “How To Make The Gas In Your Car Last” – Park it?
12. “21-year-old Imposter On High School Football Team” – Okay I understand not wanting to grow up but really?  Why would anyone want to go to high school longer? You couldn’t pay me to go back.
13. “Poodle Cats Could Be The Next Big Thing” – Poodle cats?  I don’t even want to know how that happened.
14. “Original ‘Star Wars’ Actor Open To Role In New Film” – The Geriatric Jedi?
15. “Gifts No One Actually Wants” – Four words: ‘as seen on tv’.
16. “8 Beauty Tips That Work While You Are Sleeping” – #1 – Plastic surgery….
17. “The End Of An Era: Are Uggs Over” – One can only hope.
18. “8 Topics To Discuss Before Deciding To Have A Baby” – #1 How attached are you to sleep? #2 How attached are you to money?….
19. “Breastfeeding Baby Doll: Creepy or Groundbreaking” – I’m all for breastfeeding but I’m not sure you need to start practicing at age  2. I’m going to go with creepy….
20. “Pro Cheerleaders Outfits Too Skimpy?” – Ummm….DUH!

Mom Skills You Never Knew You Would Need

I have often said my life would be easier if my children had come with a set of instructions.  Not that I have ever followed instructions in my life but it would be nice to know that there was something there in which to refer if I’d wanted.  I know the “holy” reply to my last statement is “There is an instruction book for parenting: The Bible” which is true and a really nice thing to say but not what I’m getting at.  No where in Scripture is there a warning that you are going to spend night after night after night walking around with a teething baby who will turn around in six short years and be proud as they pull those teeth out of their head.  Then you get to act happy for them AND pay  for the tooth when all you can think of are the hours they spent crying and throwing up on you to get the silly things to pop through their gums.  I’m talking about those kind of instructions.   Not the “How To Be The Best Parent In The World” books – I’m not interested in those. Those are written by people who are a little too perfect for me.  Besides my children never read those books so they never knew that if I used a particular parenting skill on them they were supposed to react in a specific way.  (wait – maybe they DID read those books just so they could do the opposite of what  the book said they should do.) I would just like some practical instructions on occasion.  A little good information to make life a little easier.

I will never forget starting out as a mother.  I listened intently as they taught me how to bathe our newborn son and how to wrap him snugly.  All those things a first time mother needs to know.  I figured between the things they showed me and the fact that I was a loving person who knew how to cook and clean and rock and cuddle I’d be fine as a mother.  I was delusional. I had no idea of the hidden skills I was going to need to learn.  Things like:

1. – The ability to fish a pony bead out of a three-year-old’s nose with a tweezers. Gross, but it happens.

2. – The skill to string pads into football pants when older brothers and dads are not available to do it.  This is after you’ve had the joy of washing those stinky things.

3. The organizational genius to pick up one kid from volleyball practice at the same time you are dropping off another one at football practice AND making dinner at the same time.  (If you’ve mastered this could you let me know?? I’m looking for help here….)

4. The ability to fix ANY toy that has broken by the time the broken-hearted child wakes up in the morning. (Thank you 24 hour stores….)

5. The skill to save the goldfish out of the sink drain without panicking OR letting your child know you just dropped their pet down there.

6. The ability not to panic or puke before saying, “I think that might need some stitches.”

7. The ability to keep a straight face as your adorable child does something totally naughty.  Hilariously funny….but naughty.

8. The restraint to resist the urge to say “Good then my job here is done!” as your dramatic child informs you that you have ruined their life.

9. The ability to see those imaginary friends and include them in your conversations while making sure they have a snack.

10. The patience to watch the same video over and over while holding a feverish child on your lap.

11. The creative ability to call food whatever sounds fun in order to get your kids to taste it.

12. The scrubbing power to remove crayon from any surface, nail polish from your kitchen table and permanent marker from clothing.

13. The ability to read the same bedtime story for the 1,425,322nd time (because it’s our favorite) and STILL make it sound exciting. (“Mom you aren’t doing the voices right!!”)

14. The skill to unclog a vacuum that has consumed one too many legos or Barbie shoes or necklaces or…..

15. The grace to act surprised by your Mother’s Day breakfast after your children have been busy in the kitchen for an hour. Noisy and busy.

16. The ability to keep a straight face as your teenager informs you they have life figured out.

17. The restraint to not sob until after you’ve left the dorm building on move-in day.

18. The humor to laugh at the same knock-knock joke you’ve heard a hundred times before.

19. The wisdom not to ask what happened to the lamp.

20. The diplomatic skill to keep all of them from killing each other while silently wondering if you shouldn’t just let them have at it.

Ok…those just came rolling off the top of my head.  I’m sure there many, many more Mom Skills which are required but forgotten after you check them off.  Feel free to share any that you’ve discovered along the way. I’d love to hear them.  Meanwhile, I found these helpful instructions on-line today.  Thought I’d share:

Unplanned Gift

This morning our ten year old asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day.  “Don’t say a hug Mom.  I mean a real gift.”  I looked at him and responded, “You are gift enough for me Buddy.”  That answer earned me an eye roll. He really has no idea how true my statement is.

 In December of 2000 I was headed into the fourth month of my fourth pregnancy.  Two days after Christmas I woke up and something was wrong.  After a trip to the doctor’s office and eventually the hospital, I miscarried our little boy. If you’ve never lost a child it is hard to understand the depth of the devastation it causes.  I can remember looking at my husband that night and asking, “How am I ever supposed to be ok again?”  In the follow-up visit to my doctor she informed me that our baby had a chromosomal malformation.  He couldn’t have survived.  There was some comfort in knowing that our little boy would never have to suffer and that God had taken him home in His perfect timing. 

 In January of 2001, we were just getting back to normal when an event occurred that threw our family’s entire life into chaos.  I won’t get into all of the details right here, some day I may write about it, but I can tell you that we entered the blackest period I ever could have imagined. We were rattled to our cores.  We were forced to reevaluate, readjust, recommit and start all over again down a very bumpy and scary road.  We would have never made it without the help of our families and our church.  By that spring both my husband and I had started new jobs and we were cautiously taking one day at a time.  It was tough, we had mounting bills and little money, but we had each other and we were slowly moving forward.  As I said, it was the blackest period of our lives.

 In late August of 2001 I started feeling really tired all the time. I figured it was stress and trudged on.  By September my womanly instinct kicked in and I knew stress wasn’t causing my fatigue or my daily nausea. “Are you kidding me?” I thought. We hadn’t been trying to get pregnant. (in fact we were doing what we knew to NOT get pregnant.) This was the worst time in the WORLD to get pregnant.    I had already resigned to myself that we were only going to have the three children we had with us and the one baby we lost.  We were done.  (Guess not!)  With fear and trembling I informed my husband of our “situation.”  He was overjoyed.  I thought he was nuts.  Because of our miscarriage the year before, we kept our news mostly to ourselves until well into my fourth month.  I have to admit that part of the reason we didn’t tell many people at first was because I was afraid of people’s reactions.  I was right. I cannot begin to count how many people said, “Are you crazy?” “Now? How are you going to afford that?” “What were you thinking??”  (Looking back, I could have had a lot of fun answering, “What were you thinking?”  You mean at the moment I got pregnant?  You want to know what I was thinking at that moment??)   Through it all my husband was wildly excited about this baby.  I took a while longer.  I questioned God’s timing and His wisdom.  I asked Him daily how in the world this could be a good time for this.  This was NOT my plan.

 In April of 2002, one day after his father’s birthday, our youngest son arrived.  We named him Jakob, after one of my great grandfathers and one of my favorite people in the Bible.  People have asked why in the world I would name my child a name that in hebrew originally meant “supplanter” (or “liar”). Jacob in the Bible started out rough, made HUGE mistakes, questioned and wrestled with God and God still used him as the father of the heads of the tribes of His chosen people.  God had HUGE plans for him.  I felt much like Jacob.  We had made huge mistakes.  We had done things wrong.  I had certainly wrestled with God to get my answers.  Here’s what I learned in the process: you may end up with a limp, but people who have wrestled with God may have a better understanding of Him because they hung on to HIM to get their answers. 

From the moment of his birth, our Jakob has brought joy to our family.  He’s a delight.  He’s a clown.  He’s like the family mascot.  He’s the king of one-liners: “Mom it says that building was built in 1938. Was that before you were born?” “Yes.” Pause…”Wow! I’m surprised it’s still standing.”  He’s the master of back-handed compliments: “Lyndsie don’t worry. One day all your freckles will grow together and you will be beautiful.” He’s my honest kid: “Stop! You adding your comments is NOT helping here.”  “I wasn’t really trying to help.”  He’s my planner: “Don’t worry Mom. I might grow up, but I’ll never leave.” “You are supposed to leave when you grow up. That’s how it works.” Pause… “I can still come visit though, right??”

 He’s the little brother our older son needed: the one who thinks he’s the coolest thing ever. He’s the little kid my daughters needed to practice their maternal instincts on.    He’s the second son, another buddy, that my husband needed. He’s the cuddler that I needed.  He makes us all laugh every day.  He completes our family.  He makes us whole.  He’s our “bonus baby”, “little caboose” or as my husband says, “Our redemption child.” He’s a daily reminder that God still has big plans for our family.

He’s a gift from a Father who understands that even though you wrestled with Him you now understand that His plan is WAY better than yours.

Sleepy Mom

  Mother’s Day is fast approaching and I’ve been pondering a subject near and dear to every mother’s heart: Sleep Deprivation.  I’ve been pondering it because I’ve been experiencing it lately.  I’ve been experiencing it for quite some time now.  On Mother’s Day 21 years ago I was 8 months pregnant, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first child.  I had no idea the little bugger was going to keep me awake from the moment of his birth forward.  Well maybe that isn’t fair.  His sisters and brother have helped too.

 

I am not a person who does well on little sleep or interrupted sleep.  I can go okay for a few days but by about day three my body goes into shut down mode and I have to get a solid eight hours sleep or things start getting ugly.  My husband is one of those amazing people who can go days and days on 5 hours sleep a night and be fully functional.  I really think he should have been the mother in our family.

 

I will never forget bringing home our little bundle of joy from the hospital. We were excited to embark on our new adventure.  What we didn’t realize was that for the first few weeks (month) the adventure was going to happen in the middle of the night.  We had no idea that just because we were ready to go to sleep our son wasn’t so inclined.  He didn’t know the difference between night and day and he seemed to prefer nighttime. (He’s in college now and he still likes to stay up all night. I probably should have seen that coming.)   I’ve always said that the child has an innate sense of self-preservation, however, so he started sleeping through the night (most of the time) by 6 weeks.  Now every mother knows that when your kids are little there are going to be nights here and there when they are sick or scared or have a bad dream and you have to get up.  I can live with occasional nights and for the most part we were humming along nicely.  Three years later we had our daughter.  Then another daughter. Then another son.  Over the course of nearly eleven years we went back and forth from periods of sleep to periods of no sleep.  When our youngest son was finally sleeping through the night consistently I figured we were home free – I could sleep again.  HA! Our oldest son child became a teenager.

 

Here’s what I’ve discovered about teenagers:

1 – They start driving which means they control when they come home.  I’m a mom. I don’t fall asleep until all my chicks are in the nest for the night. This means late nights waiting up.

2 –  They don’t like to go to bed at night.  I’m ok with that. As long as they are home I can go to bed.  I prefer 9:30pm (when did I turn into my mother??)  It’s all good except for:

3 – Teenagers are noisy.  They don’t mean to be, but they are. I’m a mom.  I hear every little thing that goes on in my house.  I could sleep through the fiercest of thunderstorms, but if one of my kids walks into the bathroom I’m wide awake.  I hear every door open, every footstep taken as long as it is made by one of my children. I believe it’s called “Momdar”.  A robber could come in and take everything but my bed and I’d probably sleep right through it, but if one of my kids creaks a floorboard I hear it.  So much for consistent sleep!

 

Last night my husband patted me on the head and told me to go to bed because I was so tired I was rambling.  As I was drifting off our oldest daughter walked into the bathroom to start her nighttime ritual.  Sigh….   I know I should be relishing this time with my kids.  They’ll all be gone before we know it. A little loss of sleep is no big deal in the scheme of life.  I can sleep when they have all moved out. Of course by that time we will probably be grandparents.

That’s ok.  I can send grandbabies home at bedtime.